smile

a girl standing here
not so different
than the rest
so much self esteem
so dynamic
and so direct

all these positive marks
lead to a negative one
so nosy and clever
so prominent
she gets tired
of herself

she is a pro
in the game
of making friends
that is her business as usual
to put a smile
on people's faces

the girl standing there
so different than the rest
so much self esteem
so dynamic
and so direct
she puts a smile on my face too

---------------------------

Adam Phillips explains psychoanalysis with reading poetry. According to Freud poetry came before psychoanalysis.

What is poetry?
What is it that poetry takes more energy than just a story?

Why don't I ask what psychoanalysis is?  Because the answer is there.

frogspawn

the bending climbing tree
kneeling to the ground
along the waterside
invited like an elephant
to climb in
and watch from it's back

in spring
the frogspawn
turn into tadpoles
catch them
and keep them alive
of course they will all die

in summertime
see large fishes
snapping at oxygen
from the air
try to catch one
and dad will butcher it

in late summer
break into a shed
on the other side
of the lake
and grab some stuff
mum will like

in autumn
before the rain
and storm
collect as much
chestnuts and acorn
mum will like again

in winter
sledging to the waterfront
trying the ice
getting wet and cold
hot chocolate
as a treat

Harvest

Time to enjoy a perfect view (without risking a fall from the edge)

king

around me space
everything and empty
earthly heaven is far away
I am nothing
of everything that is defenceless
the start of everything with value
but don't call me Sam
because I am the king of nothingness

motivation

I was not quite motivated to go to the Harz. The plan was to cycle to the highest mountain in north west Europe. This mountain, the Brocken, has a height of 1,142 meter. Lack of motivation makes achieving this plan more difficult.

Yesterday I read about Faust as part of the story written by Goethe. It's the part when Mephistopheles leads Faust through the Harz near Schierke, a village on foot of the Brocken. The village and the mountain were my destination.
I told C., my neighbour, that I read about my destination where I would go to on bike.
She understood immediately that the book was the motivation to go to the Brocken for another time.
I must admit that is a motivation for the next time.

Is it by accident that the not made vacation destination, occurs in a book I didn't plan to read?
No, it gives me the motivation to try it another time.
Is it by accident people fall in love? I can't help.

Today I had to go to my former colleagues. It's a heavy load and that's why I am so positive and happy when I'm there. When I sat there and spoke to someone I suddenly heard the loud voice of E. saying hello to me. Disturbed I watched her and said hello. I did my work and said goodbye when I was ready.

At my new workplace I had much to do and I got a call from E. All work related. She asked me if the payment to a big creditor was made yet. She asked if I could help her with the info. I said I would do anything for her.
She said more or less that she doesn't like me saying that. I was a bit puzzled.

Later I spoke her again after providing her with the information she wanted I asked her what she meant. Rhetorical she said that I knew. I admit I played a game from the book. And E. reacted as I expected. Probably she is more clever than I am. In her vocabulaire no means no.

In Dostojewski's the player the main character likes Pauline Alexandrowna. Her name is mentioned on the first page. On page 40 he reminds her that he's her slave and that on an occasion she could have said one word and he would have jumped into the ravine of the Schlangenberg. He would do anything for her. My guess is that because Pauline didn't say that one word he could stay and love her. She knew that he loved her. Maybe that is what she likes; to be loved.

Probably E. likes people and people like here. But don't go to far. Because then E. can/should/would and will act accordingly. There is a thin line which I shouldn't cross and I know it.

design

I changed my blog a little. It looks more professional.
The advantage is that the blog is easier to maintain. I can add gadgets which I have to experience.
The first mistake I made was that I forgot my counter. I lost the 5,436 visitors since July 20 2004. Who cares. A chance to reinvent, make it better and have more fun.

The blogosphere could be a form of Intelligent Design (ID). :)
Bloggers make their stories, write about something or collect from the Internet and the designer creates a gimmick to create even better blogs. Step by step it will be more intelligent. I bet in a few years it will be possible to use apps on your cellphone to write a blog without writing but only giving the content of personal interest. A blog feeder does the work. The same as with news-feeds now on the blogs.

What's the use of it, you might ask. Ask yourself why people write. I mainly write to synchronize and analyse my life. It is very therapeutic.

3 minutes poem

the sun
mother of earth
warms earth
lets life be

you were out for sun
you love sun
it gives you life
and joy
your happiness
depends on her
it is her

it is a confession
to confessor
who she is
but hell
she does not know

Faust & 9-11

A report of last week:

Last Thursday I had a day off and at noon I got my bike for a ride of 2 hours.
At 4 pm I had an appointment with a therapist to make clear what I want to work on.

It's my coping-style, how I deal with problems. I want to find out how I can determine when something might get out of hand.
E. said wisely that when I got 2 conflicts, it's probably me who causes the problem. I am the only constant in it. She apologized herself. I don't blame her.
So I got to work on my coping style....

This weekend I started to read something about Faust, quite interesting.
I also read a collection of columns of a writer who admires PVV-leader Wilders.
You better know your enemies isn't it?

Shocking news is that in the pre Wilders years she was more an advocate of the murdered Theo van Gogh. Her columns were amusing though.

Note that Wilders will be at the memorial of the 9-11 attacks in NYC.
He'll be there because of the building of a mosk a few blocks away. Of course in the Netherlands it's all free publicity for his movement.

What is the connection between Faust and 9-11 I ask myself.
Are both connected by an advocate of the Devil?

imaginable

15 years in jail how would that feel? I can only speak for myself. I think of the lost contacts with family and friends. Not so much with society, with life as it is.

Family and friends matter but society and life will be different. Both will be in another form. There will be life. Not as it was. Just as it is. Unimaginable if you look in the future. Looking back is easy.

I saw a report from an airport where 2 men waited for their sister from Iran. They haven't seen each other for 9 years. The reporter was astonished.
I thought of Ocean and her husband. 9 Years and 30 years no physical contact with family. I can't imagine what the welcome would be or can I?

I haven't seen and spoken my step mum in a 15 years. That hurts because I got so much to say, so many things to talk over. I feel we have 15 years to catch up. I feel that time is ticking but in a part of me time has come to a halt. She has been frozen in a time capsule.
That means 15 years in a prison cell for me. Minutes go by minute, days by days, but in a part of me time stopped. The strange thing is that I don't feel myself getting older in that particular spot, only wiser.

Maybe this post is all about responsibility.

formation

Saturday I woke up at 7 am and sleep drunk I heard a part of the news.
A week of new negotiations between right wing parties seem to reach a final agreement in which 3 parties find themselves.
2 right wing parties will form a minority Cabinet and a third party will support them to come to a majority. The third party tolerates the minority. This ultra right wing party was against the toleration policy which they saw as something of the left wing.

This opens for the ultra right party (it's the movement of Wilders) possibilities not taking responsibilities and segregating Dutch society. A minority cabinet is unheard.

Is there nothing we can do? More people like Giovanca Ostiana could make a difference. Giovanca is a singer from the Antilles but she can express her opinion in an overwhelming way. Giovanca tells about experiences in her daily life.

In the blue Monday post of June 13 I was completely wrong. Hopefully with all, but certainly with the outcome of the formation of a new cabinet if it's a deal.
The biggest loser and the winner of the elections can use the party they more or less spit on. That's dirty politics. Sometimes it is really dirty.

back

Lets get back 3 weeks. My vacation started. Lets get back to what I wrote down then in my diary.

June 12 - Holiday. To forget everything. To take distance from my job, distance from E., from what happened Friday at work (I wrote about it). This week I need to think forward how I'll do my holiday. How far is the Brocken?

June 16 - Firstly I didn't do anything this week. I only read, didn't cycle. To be short I'm in a crisis. I'm ready to leave to the Brocken, but I'm scared. It was to much for me. I couldn't cope with it (It sounds familiar). Anything could go wrong. I wasn't as well prepared as in other years. It's only 500 kilometer in Germany but the way to it looks more and more like an ocean to cross and the mountain seems more and more like an Everest to climb.

Gamble

After Chronic City I'm reading Fyodor Dostoyevsky's The
gambler. A book written about 143 years ago. I enjoy it right from page 1.

I don't know what this book will tell me. I'm sure however it has some learning points.
For example playing your own game in life or the game on account of others. Guess that gambling in the 1840's might be the same as being on the stock market in these days.
If you know how the game is played you might be better off playing it on own account. That's a guess I make. There might be something changing plans. And of course a plan is a plan.

My plan was to be off work this week but I went to work yesterday. Only a short holiday of 2 weeks. My plan was to go and return to the Harz in Germany on my bicycle (goal: climb the 1100 meter high mountain Brocken).

Relaxed

Today I was in the grocery store. It was a kind of busy, an hour before closing time.
But I felt so relaxed.
When I've collected all I needed and waited at the pay desk I had a bird view of everything happening around me. So there were 2 pay desks opened with a queue. I joined the queue and another desk opened. I waited and didn't bother what the rest of the queue was doing. On my desk an old lady paid her bill and a family had their weekend groceries. A woman in front of me had a lot of stuff in her basket. She chose the new opened desk and other people did too. I didn't because I watched the people in front of me. Knowing that the row isn't really faster because of a heavy load of groceries. It felt good watching the load getting smaller.

Maybe because of the cycling tour I had the feeling.
At 10:30 AM I departed for a 101 kilometer tour. I came back almost 5 hours later. At 16:00 PM I entered the store. In a relaxed state of mind.

Does this mean that I should cycle 100 k to have this experience? I'll talk about that some place else.

life

I've seen no mountains. I've seen no abroad. I've seen beautiful places and cycled great roads. I've been in places like Paris in Texas. I've seen our old house for sale where my family and I lived in for 5 years.

The miss sunshine and the dry wind made it a monster tour. 386 kilometers in 2 days that's all. There were to many cobble stones and I counted them all. I tell ya that make minds aching. That's not what a vacation is supposed to be of course.
I break off this holiday if I can in order to use the days left for benefit of my well being ;)
August 5 I have a first consultation so u know where my time is spent. Before I'll make some kilometers on my bicycle.

For me this house was safety for a time. Nevertheless the gods were not always good gods.

life is a house, from time to time you got to open its doors and windows

Chronic city

This I can't cope with, all those lights on the cover. It attracts like a 50,000 $ chaldron.


Lately I said to be reading a book which finally catched me.
Well Chronic city of Jonathan Lethem really does. I had an emotional moment reading the letter of Chase's fiance. And I'm only half way.
Astronauts, cosmosnauts and a Chinese minefield, it's beyond believe.

To me the book opens what is closed. I see connections with my own life.
I see Perkus Tooth and Chase Insteadman as parts of myself and of course the flat characters in the book of the environment I am in. Oona makes some sharp remarks.

Reading the blog of Sarah and her friends I have a view on the city as a chronic one.
I know that most movies in the book are not existing but mixed with the names of Marlon Brando and Leonard Cohen it gives the book creditability. All the non-existing is a vehicle and a message to the world to think and act.

The world needs great thinkers, philosophers, not mediagenic analysts explaining problems to a large public. People without the knowledge to whom we surrender nowadays. We have the Bread and circuses like the Olympic Games, the Tour de France, World Football Championship (we lost the final against Spain) and so on nowadays to fool ourselves everything is going smoothly. In fact, we have a problem Houston.

In Chronic city it is said that a lion is escaped. It destroyed a synagogue and stores in the lower east side of Manhattan. (Amsterdam-New York, Manhattan 400 years)
The lion is hidden under the ground and comes out at night. (mean streets, Alicia?)
The book accuses Civil Service, the Goverment. It accuses the rich and famous and the beauty and the beast so to say.

I read that Naijma stated that she is trying to get a visa for Germany to study (message of July 10 2010). She paved the path for her sister Hadia. Isn't it great?