Melancholy

Delicious end year feeling. 3 days even entirely nada, nothing. Some rest and preparation on a spring offensive at my work, Works Council related.

Purely for myself, the result orientated talks with my team-leader, the personal develop plan and talks about it, my own development. Today I want to read Quadriga till the end (F. Springer writes persuading concerning love) and start with skin & hair of the in New York living Dutch writer Arnon Grunberg. Perhaps I tear the book apart. Cauz I'm mean

My end year feeling is not melancholic. I have a positive feeling over 2010, not only by the end year rally in my life this year. (The end year rally of my life must still come.)

By the end of November I did not put myself eligible for a 3 years period in the WC. To much to do and in May 2011 the organisational changes start to penetrate. Then there will be a slide with functions and people. Sadness will temporary appear, like dust behind a moved bookcase.

I'm reading like being crazy, beautiful books, with Freedom of J. Franzen as top of the list, in which almost everything for me personally fell at it's place.

Stock, I did better than the AEX with my portfolio.
How much experience do I have? The years will count, I would say that I am experienced.
But the AEX, it says more to nothing. It is a worthless index. Always has been as a matter of fact. Ha ha, Toon Hermans would say.
But who am I to tell I did better than the National Stock Exchange Index.

E., you have had all my attention since the time we have known each-other. Then I asked you to go along over lunchtime to vote and you said no. I feel great! My respect. (But I still hope to become acquinted with you.)
You have got my vote, unfortunately insufficient.
My love for you says nothing to you, but I know that I can love, thanks for that. It is my feeling and nobody can take that. That feeling I will keep as long as I know your name.
Once again thanks and greets.

And 2011?
It will become a fantastic year if you look for authenticity and believe in it.

Happy 2011

Johnny

Woke up at 7.30 am and I took a short time to get ready to take the train to the appointment I made with my mom.
When I arrived we chatted about the snow. She made her neighbor a compliment. He cleaned all the snow of the ice. The kids now have a nice icetrack.

After a cup of coffee she asked me about the dentist and I told her about it. She said that she doesn't see anything and asked if it gives me problems.
I told her what the problem is and what a solution can be.

Problem nr 2 was the bad dream. I told her about the fight, the quarrel and the words I heard when I was 7, 8 years old. She asked me who I did hear and I told I heard her. I´ve never dreamt in sounds and this was so weird and so obvious. I told that it was her voice, my mom. But it's not about the past I immediately told her. It's about the present. So let bygones be bygones.
This was emotional for her because she knows everything about the quarrels with my dad. My mom became defensive, which is a normal reaction of people, so I had to pull out the sting. I told her that it's all about the present and the future. The past is not involved, again, let bygones be bygones.

Problem nr 3 was a confession I made. It took me a long introduction by introducing her with the book of Jonathan Franzen and telling her a summary of the story. When I told her about the death of the assistant of Walter I broke, at least it was painful.
I told my mom that after attractive assistant died that Walter lived in a small world for 6 years.
Then I told her that I lost contact with Fennie in 1993. She didn´t know that. It probably explains a lot for her.

She said that she would help me if she could.
She helped by listening to what I told.

go Johnny
Thanks to Lalitha
and E. who told me
things
go Johnny
go for the Edelweiss
on the slopes of
Maslow´s mountain

Bring home
as a gift
the most precious thing
in life
love

Maslow's

This weekend I got plenty of time, ha ha. 230 Pages of authenticity of family life left. Great story, freedom. I ask myself if there can be freedom without love.

Mountaintop mining, nature conservancy (here Walter Berglund, the key person in the book, worked before working for a foundation), family, politics, love, my headache is coming up.
In fact, Walter Berglund mentioned falling over the edge. That is the risk as I mention risk of climbing Maslow's mountain in the header.

He loves Lalitha but could suppress it for a year or so. (I suppressed my love for E.) In case of Walter the love was mutual. As I experienced too the love expressed itself under stressed conditions.

This very book is also about climbing Maslow's mountain. Here I ask if you can do that without love.

So in fact I got 2 philosophical questions. I wonder if someone knows the answer without questioning to much. Ha ha.

ps. Do you need freedom to climb maslow's mountain?

Musica,


winter in The Netherlands

peanuts

It's Wednesday and I went to the other building. There I met E. I had something to say about the furious discussion. It's to work-related and when I say what I wanna say it's Works Council related. I skip it.
When I sat down there at a free table right next to E. (I just do it, because I got my own work) I saw a pot peanut-butter on the desk. I asked her if she was going to feed the birds, they like peanut-butter a lot. She denied that. It's her lunch. Now I know she is a Nightingale.

9-11

When I say... I am a Muslim
I'm not shouting
"Down with the Christians and Jews."
I am whispering, "I seek peace"
And Islam is the path that I choose.
When I say... I am a Muslim,
I speak of this with pride,
And confess that sometimes I stumble
And need Allah to be my guide.
When I say... I am a Muslim,
I know that makes me strong
And in those times when I am weak
I pray to Allah for strength to carry on.
When I say... I am a Muslim,
I not boasting of success,
I'm acknowledging that Allah has rescued me
And I cannot ever repay the debt.
When I say... I am a Muslim,
I'm not claiming to be perfect.
My flaw are indeed visible
But Allah forgives
Because his followers are worth it.
When I say... I am a Muslim,
It does not mean I will never feel pain.
I still have my share of heartaches
Which is why I invoke Allah's name.
When I say... I am a Muslim,
I do not wish to judge.
I have no such authority.
My duty is to submit
To Allah's all-encompassing love

This poem Hadiya, aka Hnk, read in december 2004 before her book was published. If you replace Muslim with Christian and Allah with God then the poem still goes. Aren't all religions eventually based on the same universal love?
Isn't that what people need?

motivation

I was not quite motivated to go to the Harz. The plan was to cycle to the highest mountain in north west Europe. This mountain, the Brocken, has a height of 1,142 meter. Lack of motivation makes achieving this plan more difficult.

Yesterday I read about Faust as part of the story written by Goethe. It's the part when Mephistopheles leads Faust through the Harz near Schierke, a village on foot of the Brocken. The village and the mountain were my destination.
I told C., my neighbour, that I read about my destination where I would go to on bike.
She understood immediately that the book was the motivation to go to the Brocken for another time.
I must admit that is a motivation for the next time.

Is it by accident that the not made vacation destination, occurs in a book I didn't plan to read?
No, it gives me the motivation to try it another time.
Is it by accident people fall in love? I can't help.

Today I had to go to my former colleagues. It's a heavy load and that's why I am so positive and happy when I'm there. When I sat there and spoke to someone I suddenly heard the loud voice of E. saying hello to me. Disturbed I watched her and said hello. I did my work and said goodbye when I was ready.

At my new workplace I had much to do and I got a call from E. All work related. She asked me if the payment to a big creditor was made yet. She asked if I could help her with the info. I said I would do anything for her.
She said more or less that she doesn't like me saying that. I was a bit puzzled.

Later I spoke her again after providing her with the information she wanted I asked her what she meant. Rhetorical she said that I knew. I admit I played a game from the book. And E. reacted as I expected. Probably she is more clever than I am. In her vocabulaire no means no.

In Dostojewski's the player the main character likes Pauline Alexandrowna. Her name is mentioned on the first page. On page 40 he reminds her that he's her slave and that on an occasion she could have said one word and he would have jumped into the ravine of the Schlangenberg. He would do anything for her. My guess is that because Pauline didn't say that one word he could stay and love her. She knew that he loved her. Maybe that is what she likes; to be loved.

Probably E. likes people and people like here. But don't go to far. Because then E. can/should/would and will act accordingly. There is a thin line which I shouldn't cross and I know it.

blue monday

What shall I talk about?

About the elections?

We have elections in Holland for the Senate on June 9th 2010. That is a difficult election because the world is changing, we are changing and we have to change the system with us. However the political parties stick with their traditional opinion.

- The ultra left wing says the cake will be divided equally.. the communist principle.
- The progressive left wing is leaning over to the ultra left wing.... mainstream, economically risky
- The liberal left wing is a little bit tricky, wants to reform to much to quick
- The green left wing is progressive and anxious to govern the country together with progressive right and liberal left.
- The progressive right wing wants to change the economy and make it lean again by restructuring the deficit over the heads of working class and middle class, Governmental spending, social benefits and education.
- The conservative right wing is loosing votes to progressive right wing.
- The ultra right wing is loosing votes to the progressive right wing.

So what to vote for? Liberal left? That party didn't keep it's promise not to govern with conservative right in 2003. There they lost my vote.

About the words -I love you-?

Since she stepped into my live 16 months ago at work she's the girl. The first words I said had something to do with her eyes. She impressed me. The first discussion was about politics. Progressive left is making a mess she said. Then she became furious about the mistakes they made in the Cabinet. I like that, a girl with an opinion, a real opinion based on values. and certainly she has values, style and class.
In the first months we hardly had anything to do with each other. But my co worker became ill and then we contacted each other more often. She complimented me that I had grown in my job and she was barely working 5 months in the office. Why? I don't know but it certainly felt good.
One moment I needed autographs for candidacy for the Works Council. Her expression when I asked her was fantastic.
And now I'm nicknamed Jan Crow by her because of the crow incident.

What a fantastic woman, lady.
Of course I compared her to another important woman. But that is not fair, she might equal and then jump over her.

Today I called her co worker because I wanted to know something. But she answered the phone and said my name. Before I knew it I asked her if she would gonna vote in the church on the other side of the street where I work. I asked her if we could go together.

She asked why. Before I knew it I said because I love you.
The instant reaction from her was that she did not expect that, than a fraction of a second later she said I don´t. She did not say the rest of the sentence. She said again that she did not expect that and that it was brave to say.
Don't make it your problem I said, it's mine. It takes her less than 5 minutes seconds she said. She's amazing.

What´s next?