April 1

This is always a hectic period. The period of the tax return ends on March 31.

I just got some days left and some things I just don't wanna know. I don't want to spoil my appetite to live. Okay, maybe that's over the top, but I might get depressed by knowing to much. Being depressed is losing appetite anyway. So I had a question for my psychologist. But before answering she said that time was up. Lets answer that question next time. Next Thursday, March 31.
My question is simple "what is a manic depression"? I googled it and there was an answer but not completely satisfying. Can she give me answers?
Some 20 years ago a student-psychologist rhetorically asked me what I thought about MD.
Did he know that being diagnosed MD (I'm not, let that be clear) means something for somebodies life.
Jesus, I watched to many movies with a hypochondriac Woody Allen

This weekend I read. I bought 2 new books. One of Johnathan Franzen, the corrections, the other one is about the Biblical Old Testament, aka as the Hebrew Bible. As I wrote something which happened 2000 years ago in the middle east, this is literature I should have.

Flat

Suddenly I knew it. The title of the book. The world is flat by Thomas Friedman. A book about a positive possible reality about globalization in the near future if I may believe what I read. That book I wanted to buy as a present for E.? Think.

fairy tales

Sometimes I got the feeling I´m living in another dimension, in a parallel world. For example when I walk through the city to buy another book I feel euphoric. In the bookstore I got time and feel relaxed to find the book which I didn´t find. (a present for E.) It´s no problem I also wanted to read a book (the prey) about the downfall of ABNAMRO bank. I was very angry about these stupidities of some people in top levels of the predator (several banks) as well as prey. Those people believed in fairy tales. How to get rich in an instance.

Laura Jansen is a fairy tale too... I thought she was British... but is authentic Dutch.



And Urban Dance Squad could have been the older brother of Rage Against The Machine.

Melancholy

Delicious end year feeling. 3 days even entirely nada, nothing. Some rest and preparation on a spring offensive at my work, Works Council related.

Purely for myself, the result orientated talks with my team-leader, the personal develop plan and talks about it, my own development. Today I want to read Quadriga till the end (F. Springer writes persuading concerning love) and start with skin & hair of the in New York living Dutch writer Arnon Grunberg. Perhaps I tear the book apart. Cauz I'm mean

My end year feeling is not melancholic. I have a positive feeling over 2010, not only by the end year rally in my life this year. (The end year rally of my life must still come.)

By the end of November I did not put myself eligible for a 3 years period in the WC. To much to do and in May 2011 the organisational changes start to penetrate. Then there will be a slide with functions and people. Sadness will temporary appear, like dust behind a moved bookcase.

I'm reading like being crazy, beautiful books, with Freedom of J. Franzen as top of the list, in which almost everything for me personally fell at it's place.

Stock, I did better than the AEX with my portfolio.
How much experience do I have? The years will count, I would say that I am experienced.
But the AEX, it says more to nothing. It is a worthless index. Always has been as a matter of fact. Ha ha, Toon Hermans would say.
But who am I to tell I did better than the National Stock Exchange Index.

E., you have had all my attention since the time we have known each-other. Then I asked you to go along over lunchtime to vote and you said no. I feel great! My respect. (But I still hope to become acquinted with you.)
You have got my vote, unfortunately insufficient.
My love for you says nothing to you, but I know that I can love, thanks for that. It is my feeling and nobody can take that. That feeling I will keep as long as I know your name.
Once again thanks and greets.

And 2011?
It will become a fantastic year if you look for authenticity and believe in it.

Happy 2011

Go

Today I worked. I just started and payed a lot of bills.
Tomorrow I'm a day off work. I got something else to do.

This afternoon I phoned my mother to say I wanna come over to discuss some things.
It was an unusual short call and shortly after that call she called back.
She was a bit agitated and wanted to know what it was where I wanted to talk about.
Did she feel a bit hostility from my side? Who knows. But I would let the bygones be bygones. She said that I was strictly business and that she would like to know what it was about. If she knew, she could prepare herself.

I would speak with her about the bad dream of some time ago, the dentist, all about Fennie (she doesn't know that she and I said goodbye 17 years ago) and that I want to get back in touch, my work, the book of Jonathan Franzen (The death of Lalitha felt like a stab in my heart.)
I told her that it's only about my worries.
(Her violent divorce has hurt all her children, but that is bygone.)

This is how I try to get my life on track.

Maslow's

This weekend I got plenty of time, ha ha. 230 Pages of authenticity of family life left. Great story, freedom. I ask myself if there can be freedom without love.

Mountaintop mining, nature conservancy (here Walter Berglund, the key person in the book, worked before working for a foundation), family, politics, love, my headache is coming up.
In fact, Walter Berglund mentioned falling over the edge. That is the risk as I mention risk of climbing Maslow's mountain in the header.

He loves Lalitha but could suppress it for a year or so. (I suppressed my love for E.) In case of Walter the love was mutual. As I experienced too the love expressed itself under stressed conditions.

This very book is also about climbing Maslow's mountain. Here I ask if you can do that without love.

So in fact I got 2 philosophical questions. I wonder if someone knows the answer without questioning to much. Ha ha.

ps. Do you need freedom to climb maslow's mountain?

Musica,


winter in The Netherlands

Boots

Last night Europe had some snowfall and everything came to an halt.
Ha ha ha, not everything. Children had a wonderful Sunday. It's also the start of the X-mas holidays. They will have fun in the snow tomorrow too.

This morning I was lucky I found my boots because there was to much snow to go through. I am reading freedom and am in part 2004. The Richard Katz part, he could be my brother making me his older brother Walter ha ha ha.
No I´m kidding, well not really I suppose. His songs could be my poems.

I remember when I studied. In our appartment we lived with 2 girls, another guy and I. I had my study and running. He had his study and a Japanese fighting sport. We didn´t have something in common I think. I was to obsessed with my study and of course my stepmother. In fact I was dependend on her. I was 21. This was no freedom. And now I have no freedom too Tomorrow another workingday. Which I don´t like.

Today I found a document on which written down I contacted the Catholic Univerity Brabant. 17 Years back or so I contacted them for a study Economy.
I overestimated myself probably.


Richard Katz...keith Richards is to easy for such a novel.

presenta

More books.... Today I received 4 books. 2 novels and 2 travel books...
1 Book is a contrast with the censorship, it's written by a Dutch diplomate in Berlin. He was on duty during the fall of the Berlin Wall. Afterwards he wrote a book about this.

At work I didn't feel well. I went to bed late and was awake at 5 am. 5 hours is 3 to short for me. The day ended with a headache.
Of course this has to do with Maslow. I just slipped and almost fell. Don't look down.
Tonight won't be better I think. Think positive, tomorrow I feel great :)

Another thing that made me sad was that E. phoned the idolized colleague that she would come to his place. She had a Newyear present from a supplier whose bills I just was paying. I wasn't involved in the whole thing. And the man whose head is tumbling and spinning (like a free fall from the edge) doesn't even know who the supplier is. How pathetic.

censorship

On issues concerned work I have to censor myself. No work related blog from me. I'm afraid of Uleaks. McCarthy couldn't have done it better.

It's a bad thing but big brother is watching us. Wikileaks. Children of 15 and 19 years were arrested. Why? because they downloaded a program to make certain sites unreachable. The real hackers laugh about that.

I am writing a book about Marie and her family. On 1-1-1795 her father became Mayor of the city I actually life in. How peculiar because when I started this story I made a story board. That was in 2000. 2 years later I moved to where I live now. It's funny but I could have found my luck on an island. How different from life in a city.

If I learned something of this is that the opportunity leads you to the place where you belong. My brother found his love in The Hague, my sister in Groningen and Tunisia. I'm still looking for that opportunity. And yes, I'm from a family that dies young but finds the right opportunity in the end.

reading

The book Freedom of Johnathan Franzen got my attention because I saw an interview with the writer on Dutch  television. So last week I bought it. Maybe I learn some more things about the philosophy of life.

Some weeks ago I was at a party of someone who I gave Savater's In praise of profanity
Bruna.nl describes this book on it's site:
"In a playful but insistent way Savater in this book provides an anatomy of religion as a delusion: it is the fear of death that man makes one yearn for eternal life. Doubt God means recognizing that our existence is finite. Savater Thus, the key questions of human existence: what is truth and what are we afraid of? Why is a good life on earth preferable to an infinite afterlife? In his reflections about this Savater used as inspiration the work of great thinkers on the relationship between man and God, as Spinoza, Hegel, Bertrand Russell and Hannah Arendt, but just as easily Mark Twain and Richard Feynman. Savater also sheds light on the role of religion in today's world of postmodern 'something-ism' to political Islam and Christianity to neo-conservative fundamentalist credulity.

The conclusion is clear: what man needs is not faith in God but believe in the ever perfect, rarely heavenly, but always infinite possibilities of man himself."


The bold text refers to the famous Dutch writer Harry Mulisch who once said that though everybody will die, it's not 100 % certain he will die. So that moment, Mulisch said, he is immortal because it isn't certain he will die too. Mulisch died last week on October 30 2010. He wasn't immortal.
I saw the emotional farewell ceremony on live television and it was like a Shakespeare play.

This weekend I have much to do.
It's work related; Works council.

I have some critics about the Management on every level.
I spoke E. about her work and she told me a sad story how her work as a ******* has been used. Openness is a great thing to pursue. More communication should make people happier. Now they have the feeling to be excluded. I don't know what the usual practice is, but shouldn't external ****** with ****** parties be the exclusive work for the *******?

E. also told that incentives are blocked by different levels of management. She doesn't feel comfortable to work for the municipality. Everybody works for his own benefit and keeps information for himself. This makes the organisation vulnerable.

Another interesting thing is the reorganisation of the department and the Service as a whole.
The department I talk about has 3 quality-workers who criticise the work of counselors, while another department which doesn't work efficient and effective makes a reorganisation necessary.
It is a political decision to have the reorganisation. I ask myself if the public servants have nothing to say on how it will be done. Probably an expensive consultation office will judge the progress and adjust when it's necessary.
Of course I know that the first report triggered the reform but after that a political decision was made to change the organisation to a front and back-office organisation.
E's department has it already and it works (with a lot of changes for all the people). Integration with other departments makes it hard again for many people. (Some almost had a breakdown because of the previous change.)

In a last month's meeting with the director I brought the communication up for discussion. I only said that there is no openness in the organisation. I immediately felt that red alert from star-trek "shields up." The face of the director came in the defense mode.

I can understand in some way her reaction because the director tries to be open, but it's not her it's the organisation as a whole. The way we work, it's a kind of hierarchic.
I talked about it with another colleague and he argued that the government needs more hierarchy than businesses because it's the public cause with public money. That's true but the civil service has to have more
entrepreneurship. This the secretary of the former Major said to some people in a discussion I attended.

At least we should take that concept into consideration.
It means more responsibility with the employees. Therefore the educational level of the employees should be increased. I told about it before.
In fact the educational level increased in the last 5 years. Problem is that the responibility in the jobs doesn't. So people get annoyed and stressed.

Chronic city

This I can't cope with, all those lights on the cover. It attracts like a 50,000 $ chaldron.


Lately I said to be reading a book which finally catched me.
Well Chronic city of Jonathan Lethem really does. I had an emotional moment reading the letter of Chase's fiance. And I'm only half way.
Astronauts, cosmosnauts and a Chinese minefield, it's beyond believe.

To me the book opens what is closed. I see connections with my own life.
I see Perkus Tooth and Chase Insteadman as parts of myself and of course the flat characters in the book of the environment I am in. Oona makes some sharp remarks.

Reading the blog of Sarah and her friends I have a view on the city as a chronic one.
I know that most movies in the book are not existing but mixed with the names of Marlon Brando and Leonard Cohen it gives the book creditability. All the non-existing is a vehicle and a message to the world to think and act.

The world needs great thinkers, philosophers, not mediagenic analysts explaining problems to a large public. People without the knowledge to whom we surrender nowadays. We have the Bread and circuses like the Olympic Games, the Tour de France, World Football Championship (we lost the final against Spain) and so on nowadays to fool ourselves everything is going smoothly. In fact, we have a problem Houston.

In Chronic city it is said that a lion is escaped. It destroyed a synagogue and stores in the lower east side of Manhattan. (Amsterdam-New York, Manhattan 400 years)
The lion is hidden under the ground and comes out at night. (mean streets, Alicia?)
The book accuses Civil Service, the Goverment. It accuses the rich and famous and the beauty and the beast so to say.

I read that Naijma stated that she is trying to get a visa for Germany to study (message of July 10 2010). She paved the path for her sister Hadia. Isn't it great?

Spielerei, together we can make it work

The Addled writer got an e-mail about this thing where her story "Carrie Pilby's New Year's Resolution" is nominated. It didn't come out in 2007, so she doesn't know how she is eligible, but she's on the list, so take a look and vote...third category down!

I thought why not, let's all vote for the book of Caren Lissner.