drop

To drop a line.

Drop is the plural of dropje.
Drop are Dutch sweets made of the extraction from the dried roots of Glycyrrhiza glabra by hot water under pressure and then concentrated. Mixed with starch from potatoes or Arabic gum drop has been made. The color is pitch black.
It's a Dutch equivalent of chewing gum. Some drop are sticky but at least you can swallow it.

This weekend I swallowed a lot of drop. Probably because I'm getting nervous of the dental correction. At least I can have a dropje now (or a lot)

What happened Friday is something I mentioned before. I signalled it before.
The fact is that E. is back in town. She was only 3 and a half week in Buenos Aires. She called my colleague, who wasn't in. I answered the phone and we had some smalltalk. I didn't ask her about her funny walk only if she refreshed herself. And that she did.

The 2 dogs of last post represent the bond between animals when they face hard times. When a human doesn't calculate on those moments he stays with his wounded friend. Like being brothers in arms on the battlefield. It's not behavior only for humans I conclude.
What did the camera crew do? Humans have the right to get medicare and the crew has the duty to get the care. Different dogs? I don't think so.

New walk

E. is traveling to Argentina.
First she takes a summer school course of 2 weeks in Buenos Aires to learn more Spanish. Then she will travel around for 2 weeks.
Great of E., the girl with the big mouth. Everybody loves E. In no time
she will have many friends down there in that big country.

I think it is a wise decision to learn some words Spanish. Probably you won't get in touch with the locals and it is also and act of respect to the people to talk with them in their own language. Anyhow, at this moment Arnon Grunberg is also in Argentina. No coincidence that she doesn't like the writer. That they choose the same destination is a coincidence.

I wonder what Grunberg thinks when he would see E. deboarding the airplane. When she gets her luggage, would he wonder if it would be a trolley or a backpack?
E. is more of the trolley department and she owns the complete Ministry of funny walks (a mutual colleague said that). How would she walk away with 4 weeks of luggage in her trolley? What walk would accompany?
Or would she have a backpack? I can't believe that. E. needs a strange new walk.

Yeah, I'm making fun of E. But I've never met the real E., else I would know how she handles her luggage.

Melancholy

Delicious end year feeling. 3 days even entirely nada, nothing. Some rest and preparation on a spring offensive at my work, Works Council related.

Purely for myself, the result orientated talks with my team-leader, the personal develop plan and talks about it, my own development. Today I want to read Quadriga till the end (F. Springer writes persuading concerning love) and start with skin & hair of the in New York living Dutch writer Arnon Grunberg. Perhaps I tear the book apart. Cauz I'm mean

My end year feeling is not melancholic. I have a positive feeling over 2010, not only by the end year rally in my life this year. (The end year rally of my life must still come.)

By the end of November I did not put myself eligible for a 3 years period in the WC. To much to do and in May 2011 the organisational changes start to penetrate. Then there will be a slide with functions and people. Sadness will temporary appear, like dust behind a moved bookcase.

I'm reading like being crazy, beautiful books, with Freedom of J. Franzen as top of the list, in which almost everything for me personally fell at it's place.

Stock, I did better than the AEX with my portfolio.
How much experience do I have? The years will count, I would say that I am experienced.
But the AEX, it says more to nothing. It is a worthless index. Always has been as a matter of fact. Ha ha, Toon Hermans would say.
But who am I to tell I did better than the National Stock Exchange Index.

E., you have had all my attention since the time we have known each-other. Then I asked you to go along over lunchtime to vote and you said no. I feel great! My respect. (But I still hope to become acquinted with you.)
You have got my vote, unfortunately insufficient.
My love for you says nothing to you, but I know that I can love, thanks for that. It is my feeling and nobody can take that. That feeling I will keep as long as I know your name.
Once again thanks and greets.

And 2011?
It will become a fantastic year if you look for authenticity and believe in it.

Happy 2011

Johnny

Woke up at 7.30 am and I took a short time to get ready to take the train to the appointment I made with my mom.
When I arrived we chatted about the snow. She made her neighbor a compliment. He cleaned all the snow of the ice. The kids now have a nice icetrack.

After a cup of coffee she asked me about the dentist and I told her about it. She said that she doesn't see anything and asked if it gives me problems.
I told her what the problem is and what a solution can be.

Problem nr 2 was the bad dream. I told her about the fight, the quarrel and the words I heard when I was 7, 8 years old. She asked me who I did hear and I told I heard her. I´ve never dreamt in sounds and this was so weird and so obvious. I told that it was her voice, my mom. But it's not about the past I immediately told her. It's about the present. So let bygones be bygones.
This was emotional for her because she knows everything about the quarrels with my dad. My mom became defensive, which is a normal reaction of people, so I had to pull out the sting. I told her that it's all about the present and the future. The past is not involved, again, let bygones be bygones.

Problem nr 3 was a confession I made. It took me a long introduction by introducing her with the book of Jonathan Franzen and telling her a summary of the story. When I told her about the death of the assistant of Walter I broke, at least it was painful.
I told my mom that after attractive assistant died that Walter lived in a small world for 6 years.
Then I told her that I lost contact with Fennie in 1993. She didn´t know that. It probably explains a lot for her.

She said that she would help me if she could.
She helped by listening to what I told.

go Johnny
Thanks to Lalitha
and E. who told me
things
go Johnny
go for the Edelweiss
on the slopes of
Maslow´s mountain

Bring home
as a gift
the most precious thing
in life
love

Sign

I was preparing X-mas dinner when having the idea of throwing away the years. I made my life a mess. I wanna change. A few weeks ago I had a dream about which I told my colleague about. It had to do with the quarrels my mum and dad had when I was 8 to 10 years old. I heard my mother shout and cry. Always unpleasant, but it was the first time I heard it in a dream. Why did I hear it?
Well,my colleague told me to do something with it. Talk with your mother he told. He has some good experiences with the company-psychologist. That might be a next step.

Freedom is only a book, but Ï cried what happened with Lalitha and Walter. (Lalitha might be E. in my dreams)
The fact that Nameless lake is close to Fen-city is a sign for me to do something. Fen is the abbreviation of Fennie the front name of the woman I lived with for years.

reading

The book Freedom of Johnathan Franzen got my attention because I saw an interview with the writer on Dutch  television. So last week I bought it. Maybe I learn some more things about the philosophy of life.

Some weeks ago I was at a party of someone who I gave Savater's In praise of profanity
Bruna.nl describes this book on it's site:
"In a playful but insistent way Savater in this book provides an anatomy of religion as a delusion: it is the fear of death that man makes one yearn for eternal life. Doubt God means recognizing that our existence is finite. Savater Thus, the key questions of human existence: what is truth and what are we afraid of? Why is a good life on earth preferable to an infinite afterlife? In his reflections about this Savater used as inspiration the work of great thinkers on the relationship between man and God, as Spinoza, Hegel, Bertrand Russell and Hannah Arendt, but just as easily Mark Twain and Richard Feynman. Savater also sheds light on the role of religion in today's world of postmodern 'something-ism' to political Islam and Christianity to neo-conservative fundamentalist credulity.

The conclusion is clear: what man needs is not faith in God but believe in the ever perfect, rarely heavenly, but always infinite possibilities of man himself."


The bold text refers to the famous Dutch writer Harry Mulisch who once said that though everybody will die, it's not 100 % certain he will die. So that moment, Mulisch said, he is immortal because it isn't certain he will die too. Mulisch died last week on October 30 2010. He wasn't immortal.
I saw the emotional farewell ceremony on live television and it was like a Shakespeare play.

This weekend I have much to do.
It's work related; Works council.

I have some critics about the Management on every level.
I spoke E. about her work and she told me a sad story how her work as a ******* has been used. Openness is a great thing to pursue. More communication should make people happier. Now they have the feeling to be excluded. I don't know what the usual practice is, but shouldn't external ****** with ****** parties be the exclusive work for the *******?

E. also told that incentives are blocked by different levels of management. She doesn't feel comfortable to work for the municipality. Everybody works for his own benefit and keeps information for himself. This makes the organisation vulnerable.

Another interesting thing is the reorganisation of the department and the Service as a whole.
The department I talk about has 3 quality-workers who criticise the work of counselors, while another department which doesn't work efficient and effective makes a reorganisation necessary.
It is a political decision to have the reorganisation. I ask myself if the public servants have nothing to say on how it will be done. Probably an expensive consultation office will judge the progress and adjust when it's necessary.
Of course I know that the first report triggered the reform but after that a political decision was made to change the organisation to a front and back-office organisation.
E's department has it already and it works (with a lot of changes for all the people). Integration with other departments makes it hard again for many people. (Some almost had a breakdown because of the previous change.)

In a last month's meeting with the director I brought the communication up for discussion. I only said that there is no openness in the organisation. I immediately felt that red alert from star-trek "shields up." The face of the director came in the defense mode.

I can understand in some way her reaction because the director tries to be open, but it's not her it's the organisation as a whole. The way we work, it's a kind of hierarchic.
I talked about it with another colleague and he argued that the government needs more hierarchy than businesses because it's the public cause with public money. That's true but the civil service has to have more
entrepreneurship. This the secretary of the former Major said to some people in a discussion I attended.

At least we should take that concept into consideration.
It means more responsibility with the employees. Therefore the educational level of the employees should be increased. I told about it before.
In fact the educational level increased in the last 5 years. Problem is that the responibility in the jobs doesn't. So people get annoyed and stressed.

criticism

Arnon Grunberg is a Dutch writer living in New York. He wrote Tirza.
Tirza is also the name of the movie of he Dutch submission for the Academy Awards.

In this movie Johanna Ter Steege plays a role. It happens that the writer fell in love with her years ago but she left his love unanswered. Together they had an agreement to write a series monologues. It was cancelled however. He used the work in a small book and published it. Against the will of Johanna. That's why Johanna is angry.
"In a strange way," Arnon Grunberg said, "the unanswered love is honourable. Even her angriness, after all these years flatters me."
Arnon quoted Primo Levi, an Italian writer. Levi said,"The opposite of love is not hatred but regardless or indifference."

When I look at my own behaviour towards E. I can understand the quote above.
I love her, but it's an one way love. She doesn't. What can I do? Choose the other side of the spectrum of love? I try to marginalize what happened. I avoid her as much as possible. I answer telephone calls as strictly business like she does. It feels a little bit heartaching after 4 months.

The Works Council is going well. We have some discussion about whose task it is to tell our voters, the rank and file, how decisions (WC?) are made and which direction we are going. That means which direction the Director wants to go.
I agree with some accountability, but it's the Director who runs the business, not the WC.
We can only say this and that happened and we support the decision. How it will be executed is up to the Director and her staff.
I wrote an email to my WC-colleagues in which I said this all.

I also wrote an email about the jobs mobility. In a periodical I read that someone got a job from someone else whose job will be vacant because of retirement. They are not on the same department. I know them both but I never read about a vacancy. This rang a bell with me.
I took this case with me to last weeks meeting with the WC and made my point.
It hasn't much to do with the 2 persons concerned but with the whole idea, the concept of what the work of the WC is.

shakespeare

King Lear, Shakespeare, I know. Difficult? No, in fact it's not. I must say, Cordelia is like E. for me.

I read a book of Fernando Savater. It's a small philosophy about unbelief and doubt

What is not surrounded by uncertainty cannot be true (by Richard Feynman) is a nice saying because it says to ask questions if something is told to be true or the truth. Doubt on everything there is. Doubt on me being here or there. As far as you can know I'm just a ghost writing because know-one ever saw me actually write.

Today is the 70th birthday of John Lennon. Well, if people know your birthday, you must be important. He had some charism to give peace a chance.

insanity

I'm reading a book which I could have read for my high school book-list.
The tittle is Die Leiden des Jungen Werthers. Goethe is the author.
The book was written in 1770 as a series of letters from Werther to his brother/friend Wilhelm.

Werther went to the countryside, probably because he was stressed. He had to find himself again, his authenticity and passion for drawing and painting. There he was melancholic and sharp as well in observations and philosophical thoughts. For example about the relation between feelings and behavior.
After a few letters he fell in love with Lotte. Lotte was a woman I compare with the woman I call E. in this blog. No wonder that Werther fell in love with her.
Werther thought, hoped and knew that she loved him.

Problem was that she was the fiance of a certain Albert. Werther and Albert had no problems with each other. But Werther could forget his love to be answered.
In the letters he describes the process of almost 2 years until he was completely possessed by Lotte, the unanswered love. How it ends, is described on the backside of the book.

It's much like Dostoyewski's the Gambler in which the main character would jump into a ravine if she asked. He would do anything for her.

I bet Werther would do anything for Lotte too.

I said that I would do anything for E. too.  However I'm not insane. (I told her once when she asked me something, I would do anything for her. She never asked me again.)

motivation

I was not quite motivated to go to the Harz. The plan was to cycle to the highest mountain in north west Europe. This mountain, the Brocken, has a height of 1,142 meter. Lack of motivation makes achieving this plan more difficult.

Yesterday I read about Faust as part of the story written by Goethe. It's the part when Mephistopheles leads Faust through the Harz near Schierke, a village on foot of the Brocken. The village and the mountain were my destination.
I told C., my neighbour, that I read about my destination where I would go to on bike.
She understood immediately that the book was the motivation to go to the Brocken for another time.
I must admit that is a motivation for the next time.

Is it by accident that the not made vacation destination, occurs in a book I didn't plan to read?
No, it gives me the motivation to try it another time.
Is it by accident people fall in love? I can't help.

Today I had to go to my former colleagues. It's a heavy load and that's why I am so positive and happy when I'm there. When I sat there and spoke to someone I suddenly heard the loud voice of E. saying hello to me. Disturbed I watched her and said hello. I did my work and said goodbye when I was ready.

At my new workplace I had much to do and I got a call from E. All work related. She asked me if the payment to a big creditor was made yet. She asked if I could help her with the info. I said I would do anything for her.
She said more or less that she doesn't like me saying that. I was a bit puzzled.

Later I spoke her again after providing her with the information she wanted I asked her what she meant. Rhetorical she said that I knew. I admit I played a game from the book. And E. reacted as I expected. Probably she is more clever than I am. In her vocabulaire no means no.

In Dostojewski's the player the main character likes Pauline Alexandrowna. Her name is mentioned on the first page. On page 40 he reminds her that he's her slave and that on an occasion she could have said one word and he would have jumped into the ravine of the Schlangenberg. He would do anything for her. My guess is that because Pauline didn't say that one word he could stay and love her. She knew that he loved her. Maybe that is what she likes; to be loved.

Probably E. likes people and people like here. But don't go to far. Because then E. can/should/would and will act accordingly. There is a thin line which I shouldn't cross and I know it.

Faust & 9-11

A report of last week:

Last Thursday I had a day off and at noon I got my bike for a ride of 2 hours.
At 4 pm I had an appointment with a therapist to make clear what I want to work on.

It's my coping-style, how I deal with problems. I want to find out how I can determine when something might get out of hand.
E. said wisely that when I got 2 conflicts, it's probably me who causes the problem. I am the only constant in it. She apologized herself. I don't blame her.
So I got to work on my coping style....

This weekend I started to read something about Faust, quite interesting.
I also read a collection of columns of a writer who admires PVV-leader Wilders.
You better know your enemies isn't it?

Shocking news is that in the pre Wilders years she was more an advocate of the murdered Theo van Gogh. Her columns were amusing though.

Note that Wilders will be at the memorial of the 9-11 attacks in NYC.
He'll be there because of the building of a mosk a few blocks away. Of course in the Netherlands it's all free publicity for his movement.

What is the connection between Faust and 9-11 I ask myself.
Are both connected by an advocate of the Devil?

back

Lets get back 3 weeks. My vacation started. Lets get back to what I wrote down then in my diary.

June 12 - Holiday. To forget everything. To take distance from my job, distance from E., from what happened Friday at work (I wrote about it). This week I need to think forward how I'll do my holiday. How far is the Brocken?

June 16 - Firstly I didn't do anything this week. I only read, didn't cycle. To be short I'm in a crisis. I'm ready to leave to the Brocken, but I'm scared. It was to much for me. I couldn't cope with it (It sounds familiar). Anything could go wrong. I wasn't as well prepared as in other years. It's only 500 kilometer in Germany but the way to it looks more and more like an ocean to cross and the mountain seems more and more like an Everest to climb.

Deep thought

Years ago when I studied I said in a discussion among fellow students that there is no god. We are the gods.
To be short, finding the love of somebody is finding the real god.

Maybe one has learn to know the gods they're with. It takes time. It's an exchange of thoughts and values.
The value is like a generalised principle of behaviour to which the members of a group feel a strong commitment and which provides a standard for judging specific acts and goals.

For some people finding god is a life time work. Other people easily jump from one to the other. Their god is exchangeable. They just divorce.
But if you know someone more and more, everyone can be god
However it's hard to find the real one.
I already had my own god, my protector and guardian angel. I thought I knew.
As my god died a long time ago I lost confidence.

Most of the time god is a man of peace but sometimes Satan comes as a man of peace too. (Free after Bob Dylan). They don't exclude each other. It's a paradox.
That's why good and bad are so close.
Meaning that Satan can be god it's understandable that people divorce.

People fall in love with the wrong god maybe because they live on the edge. The thin line between good and bad might get even thinnner.
For two gods on top of the pyramid might be not enough space. Lack of possibilities for self actualization might cause interferences between them. This interference gives problems in their love. One will end as the bad god.

The top of Maslow hierarchy of needs, self actualization, is not easy to reach that. It's finding a balance between your inner self and the environment.

It's a funny act when god asks how to love him if you don't know him.
True, I don't know god.
Also true, I like to know this god.
Yes, I can say I believe.
And yes, god knows me a little bit because I'm sure he reads my blog.

Maslow pyramid and all about the lady

Watching the semi final yesterday I switched to another program in the break.

Some people talked about the Maslow hierarchy of needs (Maslow pyramid). It seemed to be a program for people in their thirties, the begin of the X-generation.

They have everything but don't feel themselves happy. Something is missing. They are in the top of the pyramid.
It can be dangerous there. Know that it's lonely at the top. And if your young it can be very lonely. Not because you don't have friends, that need is satisfied in one of the lower parts of the pyramid.
People are in search of themselves, the authenticity of their life. Is it worth to live it like they do.

A colleague of me said she has problems with self-actualization, that it's difficult to live on that edge.
Living on the top is like living on the edge of something you can fall off I understand.

She thinks of quiting her job and start all over again. Starting from ground zero, to reinvent herself.
My opinion, to be specific, take a year to travel around the world, buy a world ticket and see all you wanna see. Problem is that according to the Maslow theory you face the same problem after that year unless you use the new experiences.

I think that's not the only way. If you visualize a pyramid and on top of it you mirror the pyramid then you get at the top a wider range of opportunities.
What those opportunities are depends on yourself because you decide what direction you go. Take it or leave it.

It's like the Council I'm in at the moment. It widens my view, I learn something and enjoy the view on the rooftop. ;) Sometimes I can't stand heights.

It's like the universe. Go through a black hole and a different reality appears on the other side. With complete new possibilities.

summer

July 1 2010, 3 Weeks after the elections. Politically nothing has changed. A VVD-deputy informed the parties and came to the conclusion that the party that lost significantly blocked a right wing coalition which would be a monstrous coalition.
I saw when I woke up on June 10, the day after the elections,that hopefully a cabinet of 4 parties without CDA would emerge. Purple plus as we call it.
Problem is that VVD doesn't like the idea to rule the country with the left wing. It's to left for their voters.
I think that left has to make concessions to get our proud Nation through the crisis. VVD can make demands in some way or another.

Last Thursday I got the results of a neuro-psygologic test I had at the end of May. The crow-incident was mentioned between the lines. The result is understandable. But the motivation of the result is unclear for me.
It will be send to my family doctor because he didn´t know anything about it when I asked about it when I saw him because of my bruised rib

4 Days ago I spoke E. and told her about the conclusions of the test. Well, she said, you ruin your own chances and only you are responsible for that. Only you.
It´s the logic of the social academic professionals, the soft economy of social workers, psychologist, etcetera.
It´s the same what Fennie says. It´s true that one has to work on himself after being confronted with himself.
Of course I should have done it 20 years ago. I did and in some way it helped. Now I have to take the next step.

Okay, it was a really confidential conversation. I bent over to her and she laughed seeing my shoes. (Zebra shoes she said once) I took her into confidence and she let it happen me telling some fresh conclusions of the test.
Among other things I told her that under stress I can lose control ending in the experience of derealization and concentration problems.
I told E. I was being under pressure by her -if you tell part of it you better tell it all-. That's why I said what I said.....

But isn't it so that I provoked her question (who?) why we should go to vote together by answering that I am in love. On who, she asked. On you, I hesitated. I don´t, she said.

But 3 days ago we had a good conversation and I could sit on the seat of her colleague right in front of her.

elections

The elections were on a Wednesday last week.. The previous post was on the Monday before I think.

Conservative right lost half of their seats. I expected a big loss, so this is their reward for 8 years of bad government. The sad thing is that the ultra conservative wing almost tripled their seats from 9 to 24.
The party I chose didn't loose as much as expected and is a certain winner.

Now politicians have to work to come to a quick solution and put together a brave new cabinet which makes the necessary decisions to get out of the mess we're in.
Hopefully there will be a purple wind. Purple because of the parties, progressive right joining progressive left, green and liberal left.

Wednesday I spoke a few words with E. as I call her, no she didn't go with me to vote. After that I didn't see her for a week. Two days ago I was at my old department and spoke E. again about the election. She laughed.

About the change in department, it's now a month that I'm working on the other side. It almost feels like the other side. The opposite party. Yesterday I had a quarrel, a dispute with a colleague of my old department. It's one of the bottlenecks of the new work routine I should report.

Slowly everything breaks apart. On sensible moments I can spend a tear about that feeling. Hear me, I don't complain, I have more possibilities than ever. And with the Works Counsil I have plenty to do.

I wonder how the elections in California were, but in Holland we were almost screwed with a monstrous Cabinet. I keep my breath the next weeks.

These roller coaster ride makes me to grab my bike and cycle. the last 10 days I cycled more than 500 k after work.

So if you're busy try to relax sometime, sport, go for a walk,

blue monday

What shall I talk about?

About the elections?

We have elections in Holland for the Senate on June 9th 2010. That is a difficult election because the world is changing, we are changing and we have to change the system with us. However the political parties stick with their traditional opinion.

- The ultra left wing says the cake will be divided equally.. the communist principle.
- The progressive left wing is leaning over to the ultra left wing.... mainstream, economically risky
- The liberal left wing is a little bit tricky, wants to reform to much to quick
- The green left wing is progressive and anxious to govern the country together with progressive right and liberal left.
- The progressive right wing wants to change the economy and make it lean again by restructuring the deficit over the heads of working class and middle class, Governmental spending, social benefits and education.
- The conservative right wing is loosing votes to progressive right wing.
- The ultra right wing is loosing votes to the progressive right wing.

So what to vote for? Liberal left? That party didn't keep it's promise not to govern with conservative right in 2003. There they lost my vote.

About the words -I love you-?

Since she stepped into my live 16 months ago at work she's the girl. The first words I said had something to do with her eyes. She impressed me. The first discussion was about politics. Progressive left is making a mess she said. Then she became furious about the mistakes they made in the Cabinet. I like that, a girl with an opinion, a real opinion based on values. and certainly she has values, style and class.
In the first months we hardly had anything to do with each other. But my co worker became ill and then we contacted each other more often. She complimented me that I had grown in my job and she was barely working 5 months in the office. Why? I don't know but it certainly felt good.
One moment I needed autographs for candidacy for the Works Council. Her expression when I asked her was fantastic.
And now I'm nicknamed Jan Crow by her because of the crow incident.

What a fantastic woman, lady.
Of course I compared her to another important woman. But that is not fair, she might equal and then jump over her.

Today I called her co worker because I wanted to know something. But she answered the phone and said my name. Before I knew it I asked her if she would gonna vote in the church on the other side of the street where I work. I asked her if we could go together.

She asked why. Before I knew it I said because I love you.
The instant reaction from her was that she did not expect that, than a fraction of a second later she said I don´t. She did not say the rest of the sentence. She said again that she did not expect that and that it was brave to say.
Don't make it your problem I said, it's mine. It takes her less than 5 minutes seconds she said. She's amazing.

What´s next?