Melancholy

Delicious end year feeling. 3 days even entirely nada, nothing. Some rest and preparation on a spring offensive at my work, Works Council related.

Purely for myself, the result orientated talks with my team-leader, the personal develop plan and talks about it, my own development. Today I want to read Quadriga till the end (F. Springer writes persuading concerning love) and start with skin & hair of the in New York living Dutch writer Arnon Grunberg. Perhaps I tear the book apart. Cauz I'm mean

My end year feeling is not melancholic. I have a positive feeling over 2010, not only by the end year rally in my life this year. (The end year rally of my life must still come.)

By the end of November I did not put myself eligible for a 3 years period in the WC. To much to do and in May 2011 the organisational changes start to penetrate. Then there will be a slide with functions and people. Sadness will temporary appear, like dust behind a moved bookcase.

I'm reading like being crazy, beautiful books, with Freedom of J. Franzen as top of the list, in which almost everything for me personally fell at it's place.

Stock, I did better than the AEX with my portfolio.
How much experience do I have? The years will count, I would say that I am experienced.
But the AEX, it says more to nothing. It is a worthless index. Always has been as a matter of fact. Ha ha, Toon Hermans would say.
But who am I to tell I did better than the National Stock Exchange Index.

E., you have had all my attention since the time we have known each-other. Then I asked you to go along over lunchtime to vote and you said no. I feel great! My respect. (But I still hope to become acquinted with you.)
You have got my vote, unfortunately insufficient.
My love for you says nothing to you, but I know that I can love, thanks for that. It is my feeling and nobody can take that. That feeling I will keep as long as I know your name.
Once again thanks and greets.

And 2011?
It will become a fantastic year if you look for authenticity and believe in it.

Happy 2011

Johnny

Woke up at 7.30 am and I took a short time to get ready to take the train to the appointment I made with my mom.
When I arrived we chatted about the snow. She made her neighbor a compliment. He cleaned all the snow of the ice. The kids now have a nice icetrack.

After a cup of coffee she asked me about the dentist and I told her about it. She said that she doesn't see anything and asked if it gives me problems.
I told her what the problem is and what a solution can be.

Problem nr 2 was the bad dream. I told her about the fight, the quarrel and the words I heard when I was 7, 8 years old. She asked me who I did hear and I told I heard her. I´ve never dreamt in sounds and this was so weird and so obvious. I told that it was her voice, my mom. But it's not about the past I immediately told her. It's about the present. So let bygones be bygones.
This was emotional for her because she knows everything about the quarrels with my dad. My mom became defensive, which is a normal reaction of people, so I had to pull out the sting. I told her that it's all about the present and the future. The past is not involved, again, let bygones be bygones.

Problem nr 3 was a confession I made. It took me a long introduction by introducing her with the book of Jonathan Franzen and telling her a summary of the story. When I told her about the death of the assistant of Walter I broke, at least it was painful.
I told my mom that after attractive assistant died that Walter lived in a small world for 6 years.
Then I told her that I lost contact with Fennie in 1993. She didn´t know that. It probably explains a lot for her.

She said that she would help me if she could.
She helped by listening to what I told.

go Johnny
Thanks to Lalitha
and E. who told me
things
go Johnny
go for the Edelweiss
on the slopes of
Maslow´s mountain

Bring home
as a gift
the most precious thing
in life
love

Go

Today I worked. I just started and payed a lot of bills.
Tomorrow I'm a day off work. I got something else to do.

This afternoon I phoned my mother to say I wanna come over to discuss some things.
It was an unusual short call and shortly after that call she called back.
She was a bit agitated and wanted to know what it was where I wanted to talk about.
Did she feel a bit hostility from my side? Who knows. But I would let the bygones be bygones. She said that I was strictly business and that she would like to know what it was about. If she knew, she could prepare herself.

I would speak with her about the bad dream of some time ago, the dentist, all about Fennie (she doesn't know that she and I said goodbye 17 years ago) and that I want to get back in touch, my work, the book of Jonathan Franzen (The death of Lalitha felt like a stab in my heart.)
I told her that it's only about my worries.
(Her violent divorce has hurt all her children, but that is bygone.)

This is how I try to get my life on track.

Sign

I was preparing X-mas dinner when having the idea of throwing away the years. I made my life a mess. I wanna change. A few weeks ago I had a dream about which I told my colleague about. It had to do with the quarrels my mum and dad had when I was 8 to 10 years old. I heard my mother shout and cry. Always unpleasant, but it was the first time I heard it in a dream. Why did I hear it?
Well,my colleague told me to do something with it. Talk with your mother he told. He has some good experiences with the company-psychologist. That might be a next step.

Freedom is only a book, but Ï cried what happened with Lalitha and Walter. (Lalitha might be E. in my dreams)
The fact that Nameless lake is close to Fen-city is a sign for me to do something. Fen is the abbreviation of Fennie the front name of the woman I lived with for years.

Maslow's

This weekend I got plenty of time, ha ha. 230 Pages of authenticity of family life left. Great story, freedom. I ask myself if there can be freedom without love.

Mountaintop mining, nature conservancy (here Walter Berglund, the key person in the book, worked before working for a foundation), family, politics, love, my headache is coming up.
In fact, Walter Berglund mentioned falling over the edge. That is the risk as I mention risk of climbing Maslow's mountain in the header.

He loves Lalitha but could suppress it for a year or so. (I suppressed my love for E.) In case of Walter the love was mutual. As I experienced too the love expressed itself under stressed conditions.

This very book is also about climbing Maslow's mountain. Here I ask if you can do that without love.

So in fact I got 2 philosophical questions. I wonder if someone knows the answer without questioning to much. Ha ha.

ps. Do you need freedom to climb maslow's mountain?

Musica,


winter in The Netherlands

Dentist

I've never been so anxious to go to the dentist. More than a year I'm thinking about an orthodontic treatment. To stubborn when I was 12, I should be lucky having a second chance.

Boots

Last night Europe had some snowfall and everything came to an halt.
Ha ha ha, not everything. Children had a wonderful Sunday. It's also the start of the X-mas holidays. They will have fun in the snow tomorrow too.

This morning I was lucky I found my boots because there was to much snow to go through. I am reading freedom and am in part 2004. The Richard Katz part, he could be my brother making me his older brother Walter ha ha ha.
No I´m kidding, well not really I suppose. His songs could be my poems.

I remember when I studied. In our appartment we lived with 2 girls, another guy and I. I had my study and running. He had his study and a Japanese fighting sport. We didn´t have something in common I think. I was to obsessed with my study and of course my stepmother. In fact I was dependend on her. I was 21. This was no freedom. And now I have no freedom too Tomorrow another workingday. Which I don´t like.

Today I found a document on which written down I contacted the Catholic Univerity Brabant. 17 Years back or so I contacted them for a study Economy.
I overestimated myself probably.


Richard Katz...keith Richards is to easy for such a novel.

immigration

A week before X-mas eve. I got the books in house to read. Then snow blizzard can come. Hopefully the food distribution centers won't strike. That would spoil X-mas dinners for those who eat at home.

A colleague of mine goes to France with the holidays until new year. She was raised there. Originally she comes from Turkey, but her parents went to France. Later when she got married they moved to The Netherlands. And now she 's back to the place where she went to school, the heartland of Les Vosges. The old folks there understand German. It's a kind of no-man's land. The Rhineland which soil was battleground for a thousand years or more.

Another colleague I spoke came from the west of Turkey. He came 30 years ago to The Netherlands. The Netherlands were the promised land he told me. Friends of him told that. So he followed his dream to be rich one day in the promised land. His classmates have better lives than he has he told me. That aches, he better could have stayed. Some of classmates are lawyer or doctor and have much luxury and of course a different life style than here in The Netherlands. We live more in house, even in summer and certainly in winter. But the colleague has a house on the West coast of Turkey so why should he complain? I could say he is becoming very Dutch.

I found out that in 1980 we became an immigration country. Only in 2006 we were an emigration country again. That's the population explosion we had. On secondary school I learned The Netherlands has 15 million citizen and suddenly there were 16 million.

The Dutch always have something to complain about. If not there is always the weather. Today we've had a lot of snow. In the middle of the day we've had a white blanket covering all. December is cold till now. Maybe it will last until X-mas.

Bus

It is quite a long time ago that I took the bus. The last 2 days I had no other option than to go by bus to work.
It was an improvement from 6 years ago. No long term stops, a voice announcing the next bus-stop, an electronic sign giving the minutes the bus arrives at a bus-stop, etcetera.
This is all I wanted when I travelled by bus more then 2 decades ago. 20 Years is the amount of time it takes public transports adapts itself to the present wish. If you wish something, after 20 years it will be realized. Don't wait for it.

peanuts

It's Wednesday and I went to the other building. There I met E. I had something to say about the furious discussion. It's to work-related and when I say what I wanna say it's Works Council related. I skip it.
When I sat down there at a free table right next to E. (I just do it, because I got my own work) I saw a pot peanut-butter on the desk. I asked her if she was going to feed the birds, they like peanut-butter a lot. She denied that. It's her lunch. Now I know she is a Nightingale.

presenta

More books.... Today I received 4 books. 2 novels and 2 travel books...
1 Book is a contrast with the censorship, it's written by a Dutch diplomate in Berlin. He was on duty during the fall of the Berlin Wall. Afterwards he wrote a book about this.

At work I didn't feel well. I went to bed late and was awake at 5 am. 5 hours is 3 to short for me. The day ended with a headache.
Of course this has to do with Maslow. I just slipped and almost fell. Don't look down.
Tonight won't be better I think. Think positive, tomorrow I feel great :)

Another thing that made me sad was that E. phoned the idolized colleague that she would come to his place. She had a Newyear present from a supplier whose bills I just was paying. I wasn't involved in the whole thing. And the man whose head is tumbling and spinning (like a free fall from the edge) doesn't even know who the supplier is. How pathetic.

censorship

On issues concerned work I have to censor myself. No work related blog from me. I'm afraid of Uleaks. McCarthy couldn't have done it better.

It's a bad thing but big brother is watching us. Wikileaks. Children of 15 and 19 years were arrested. Why? because they downloaded a program to make certain sites unreachable. The real hackers laugh about that.

I am writing a book about Marie and her family. On 1-1-1795 her father became Mayor of the city I actually life in. How peculiar because when I started this story I made a story board. That was in 2000. 2 years later I moved to where I live now. It's funny but I could have found my luck on an island. How different from life in a city.

If I learned something of this is that the opportunity leads you to the place where you belong. My brother found his love in The Hague, my sister in Groningen and Tunisia. I'm still looking for that opportunity. And yes, I'm from a family that dies young but finds the right opportunity in the end.

Freedom

It's the title of Jonathan Franzen his book about family matters, the hope and despair in families and about impossible ambitions.
I heard Obama read the book too. Is it maybe because of the similarities between the book and his administration?
Freedom is a page turner. Can't wait to see where it leads to.

Today I was thinking how to finish a book I'm writing.
It's about the negligence of the north east of my country by The Hague, that's the nations political heartland.
Two things happened.
-Firstly the PVV (Party of Freedom) wants votes to get into the Senate. They want Limburg for the people who live there. Of course that will increase the power of the cabinet. There could be some problems... the province of Limburg has no own means. The population is decreasing. The mines are closed a long time ago. The automotive Industry moved. The province should concentrate on tourism in my opinion. The PVV focuses their campaign on the rather negative slogan Not for Mosques but for carnival in Limburg.
This is one of the aspects in the book, the derealization of life there once was. It might be about urgency to be flexible with the change of the environment.
- Secondly, I saw a promotion video. It was a political video on national television for a political party in the north east part of the country Some people from that region want their freedom because the State earns money from the natural resources and doesn't give back means to conserve the region and to make it more prosperous. That party focuses on
separation from The Netherlands. It is from their point of view understandable, but it is so immature. How can you fight for something you don´t really believe in? It has no authenticity if it's only about money. The people living in the periphery of The Hague are not only people represented by these parties.
Authenticity has to do with the values you believe in, your patriotism. If you don't want to defend your country you could also life elsewhere. That makes a separation unlikely.

For citizen in Amsterdam, Rotterdam, The Hague and in villages and towns which form the heartland of The Netherlands, these views are examples of the dumbness of the people in the region. They look down on the provincials and they know it. People in the province feel that arrogance.

I thought of a despotic leader like Milosevic who led his people into a war. There only has to be one leader who knows how to persuade people to get their freedom. This could be one line in the book.

I should thank E. for her authenticity. She introduced it with me after talking about the whole Maslow thing and her self realization. Concerned E. I'm on a distance now and I see her vulnerability and her being idolized by a colleague.

I hate that idolizing. It's almost sick how he talks about her. How positive and uplifting he is about E. Concerned work he should do anything for her. Miss this and miss that.
I can make myself mad about that. Actually I did last week. But I'm not as direct as most Dutch are in this part of the country. I was angry about another thing, which made him a little bit furious. He tried to stay calm however. But I rejected what he said.

I better read Freedom

Assange

Julian Assange is the name of the founder of wiki-leaks. After leaking information about Afghanistan, politics are under attack and soon the banks will face public condemnation. About banks, if they aren't already condemned, the huge bonuses are back. This week bonuses will be published. Assange's publication of hidden information about wicked banks, what they do, how they finance, can't be to early because Assange might be caught by justice for a Swedish allegation of sexual harassment.
In the Netherlands we can sign a petition on www.petities.nl
I heard about it in the Works Council and several people signed it.

I don't know what to think about Assange's wiki-leaks. Some things are really good, for example the helicopter shootout on civilians and Reuters photographers in Afghanistan. Other leaks of cables are less clear if it should be leaked. Does Julian Assange know where his legitimacy ends and his responsibility starts?

Transparency is okay, until personal privacy comes in. So the diplomatic cables are not right if you know the sender. Try to anonymize him, success.

In the end when he will be arrested and justice plays a game with him, I will support him. Right now it's to early to sign the petition.
If Assange will be arrested and convicted for wikileaks he might be a marthyr for freedom of speech, freedom of information and transparancy
Countries and Governments can't prevent leaks anymore. The internet is too widespread. It's controlled by itself.

The next video of CSNY "teach your children well" might be about the information era we're in. This confidential information must get to the people. Next video is not watchale for anyone.