Melancholy

Delicious end year feeling. 3 days even entirely nada, nothing. Some rest and preparation on a spring offensive at my work, Works Council related.

Purely for myself, the result orientated talks with my team-leader, the personal develop plan and talks about it, my own development. Today I want to read Quadriga till the end (F. Springer writes persuading concerning love) and start with skin & hair of the in New York living Dutch writer Arnon Grunberg. Perhaps I tear the book apart. Cauz I'm mean

My end year feeling is not melancholic. I have a positive feeling over 2010, not only by the end year rally in my life this year. (The end year rally of my life must still come.)

By the end of November I did not put myself eligible for a 3 years period in the WC. To much to do and in May 2011 the organisational changes start to penetrate. Then there will be a slide with functions and people. Sadness will temporary appear, like dust behind a moved bookcase.

I'm reading like being crazy, beautiful books, with Freedom of J. Franzen as top of the list, in which almost everything for me personally fell at it's place.

Stock, I did better than the AEX with my portfolio.
How much experience do I have? The years will count, I would say that I am experienced.
But the AEX, it says more to nothing. It is a worthless index. Always has been as a matter of fact. Ha ha, Toon Hermans would say.
But who am I to tell I did better than the National Stock Exchange Index.

E., you have had all my attention since the time we have known each-other. Then I asked you to go along over lunchtime to vote and you said no. I feel great! My respect. (But I still hope to become acquinted with you.)
You have got my vote, unfortunately insufficient.
My love for you says nothing to you, but I know that I can love, thanks for that. It is my feeling and nobody can take that. That feeling I will keep as long as I know your name.
Once again thanks and greets.

And 2011?
It will become a fantastic year if you look for authenticity and believe in it.

Happy 2011

Johnny

Woke up at 7.30 am and I took a short time to get ready to take the train to the appointment I made with my mom.
When I arrived we chatted about the snow. She made her neighbor a compliment. He cleaned all the snow of the ice. The kids now have a nice icetrack.

After a cup of coffee she asked me about the dentist and I told her about it. She said that she doesn't see anything and asked if it gives me problems.
I told her what the problem is and what a solution can be.

Problem nr 2 was the bad dream. I told her about the fight, the quarrel and the words I heard when I was 7, 8 years old. She asked me who I did hear and I told I heard her. I´ve never dreamt in sounds and this was so weird and so obvious. I told that it was her voice, my mom. But it's not about the past I immediately told her. It's about the present. So let bygones be bygones.
This was emotional for her because she knows everything about the quarrels with my dad. My mom became defensive, which is a normal reaction of people, so I had to pull out the sting. I told her that it's all about the present and the future. The past is not involved, again, let bygones be bygones.

Problem nr 3 was a confession I made. It took me a long introduction by introducing her with the book of Jonathan Franzen and telling her a summary of the story. When I told her about the death of the assistant of Walter I broke, at least it was painful.
I told my mom that after attractive assistant died that Walter lived in a small world for 6 years.
Then I told her that I lost contact with Fennie in 1993. She didn´t know that. It probably explains a lot for her.

She said that she would help me if she could.
She helped by listening to what I told.

go Johnny
Thanks to Lalitha
and E. who told me
things
go Johnny
go for the Edelweiss
on the slopes of
Maslow´s mountain

Bring home
as a gift
the most precious thing
in life
love

Go

Today I worked. I just started and payed a lot of bills.
Tomorrow I'm a day off work. I got something else to do.

This afternoon I phoned my mother to say I wanna come over to discuss some things.
It was an unusual short call and shortly after that call she called back.
She was a bit agitated and wanted to know what it was where I wanted to talk about.
Did she feel a bit hostility from my side? Who knows. But I would let the bygones be bygones. She said that I was strictly business and that she would like to know what it was about. If she knew, she could prepare herself.

I would speak with her about the bad dream of some time ago, the dentist, all about Fennie (she doesn't know that she and I said goodbye 17 years ago) and that I want to get back in touch, my work, the book of Jonathan Franzen (The death of Lalitha felt like a stab in my heart.)
I told her that it's only about my worries.
(Her violent divorce has hurt all her children, but that is bygone.)

This is how I try to get my life on track.

Sign

I was preparing X-mas dinner when having the idea of throwing away the years. I made my life a mess. I wanna change. A few weeks ago I had a dream about which I told my colleague about. It had to do with the quarrels my mum and dad had when I was 8 to 10 years old. I heard my mother shout and cry. Always unpleasant, but it was the first time I heard it in a dream. Why did I hear it?
Well,my colleague told me to do something with it. Talk with your mother he told. He has some good experiences with the company-psychologist. That might be a next step.

Freedom is only a book, but Ï cried what happened with Lalitha and Walter. (Lalitha might be E. in my dreams)
The fact that Nameless lake is close to Fen-city is a sign for me to do something. Fen is the abbreviation of Fennie the front name of the woman I lived with for years.

Maslow's

This weekend I got plenty of time, ha ha. 230 Pages of authenticity of family life left. Great story, freedom. I ask myself if there can be freedom without love.

Mountaintop mining, nature conservancy (here Walter Berglund, the key person in the book, worked before working for a foundation), family, politics, love, my headache is coming up.
In fact, Walter Berglund mentioned falling over the edge. That is the risk as I mention risk of climbing Maslow's mountain in the header.

He loves Lalitha but could suppress it for a year or so. (I suppressed my love for E.) In case of Walter the love was mutual. As I experienced too the love expressed itself under stressed conditions.

This very book is also about climbing Maslow's mountain. Here I ask if you can do that without love.

So in fact I got 2 philosophical questions. I wonder if someone knows the answer without questioning to much. Ha ha.

ps. Do you need freedom to climb maslow's mountain?

Musica,


winter in The Netherlands

Dentist

I've never been so anxious to go to the dentist. More than a year I'm thinking about an orthodontic treatment. To stubborn when I was 12, I should be lucky having a second chance.

Boots

Last night Europe had some snowfall and everything came to an halt.
Ha ha ha, not everything. Children had a wonderful Sunday. It's also the start of the X-mas holidays. They will have fun in the snow tomorrow too.

This morning I was lucky I found my boots because there was to much snow to go through. I am reading freedom and am in part 2004. The Richard Katz part, he could be my brother making me his older brother Walter ha ha ha.
No I´m kidding, well not really I suppose. His songs could be my poems.

I remember when I studied. In our appartment we lived with 2 girls, another guy and I. I had my study and running. He had his study and a Japanese fighting sport. We didn´t have something in common I think. I was to obsessed with my study and of course my stepmother. In fact I was dependend on her. I was 21. This was no freedom. And now I have no freedom too Tomorrow another workingday. Which I don´t like.

Today I found a document on which written down I contacted the Catholic Univerity Brabant. 17 Years back or so I contacted them for a study Economy.
I overestimated myself probably.


Richard Katz...keith Richards is to easy for such a novel.

immigration

A week before X-mas eve. I got the books in house to read. Then snow blizzard can come. Hopefully the food distribution centers won't strike. That would spoil X-mas dinners for those who eat at home.

A colleague of mine goes to France with the holidays until new year. She was raised there. Originally she comes from Turkey, but her parents went to France. Later when she got married they moved to The Netherlands. And now she 's back to the place where she went to school, the heartland of Les Vosges. The old folks there understand German. It's a kind of no-man's land. The Rhineland which soil was battleground for a thousand years or more.

Another colleague I spoke came from the west of Turkey. He came 30 years ago to The Netherlands. The Netherlands were the promised land he told me. Friends of him told that. So he followed his dream to be rich one day in the promised land. His classmates have better lives than he has he told me. That aches, he better could have stayed. Some of classmates are lawyer or doctor and have much luxury and of course a different life style than here in The Netherlands. We live more in house, even in summer and certainly in winter. But the colleague has a house on the West coast of Turkey so why should he complain? I could say he is becoming very Dutch.

I found out that in 1980 we became an immigration country. Only in 2006 we were an emigration country again. That's the population explosion we had. On secondary school I learned The Netherlands has 15 million citizen and suddenly there were 16 million.

The Dutch always have something to complain about. If not there is always the weather. Today we've had a lot of snow. In the middle of the day we've had a white blanket covering all. December is cold till now. Maybe it will last until X-mas.

Bus

It is quite a long time ago that I took the bus. The last 2 days I had no other option than to go by bus to work.
It was an improvement from 6 years ago. No long term stops, a voice announcing the next bus-stop, an electronic sign giving the minutes the bus arrives at a bus-stop, etcetera.
This is all I wanted when I travelled by bus more then 2 decades ago. 20 Years is the amount of time it takes public transports adapts itself to the present wish. If you wish something, after 20 years it will be realized. Don't wait for it.

peanuts

It's Wednesday and I went to the other building. There I met E. I had something to say about the furious discussion. It's to work-related and when I say what I wanna say it's Works Council related. I skip it.
When I sat down there at a free table right next to E. (I just do it, because I got my own work) I saw a pot peanut-butter on the desk. I asked her if she was going to feed the birds, they like peanut-butter a lot. She denied that. It's her lunch. Now I know she is a Nightingale.

presenta

More books.... Today I received 4 books. 2 novels and 2 travel books...
1 Book is a contrast with the censorship, it's written by a Dutch diplomate in Berlin. He was on duty during the fall of the Berlin Wall. Afterwards he wrote a book about this.

At work I didn't feel well. I went to bed late and was awake at 5 am. 5 hours is 3 to short for me. The day ended with a headache.
Of course this has to do with Maslow. I just slipped and almost fell. Don't look down.
Tonight won't be better I think. Think positive, tomorrow I feel great :)

Another thing that made me sad was that E. phoned the idolized colleague that she would come to his place. She had a Newyear present from a supplier whose bills I just was paying. I wasn't involved in the whole thing. And the man whose head is tumbling and spinning (like a free fall from the edge) doesn't even know who the supplier is. How pathetic.

censorship

On issues concerned work I have to censor myself. No work related blog from me. I'm afraid of Uleaks. McCarthy couldn't have done it better.

It's a bad thing but big brother is watching us. Wikileaks. Children of 15 and 19 years were arrested. Why? because they downloaded a program to make certain sites unreachable. The real hackers laugh about that.

I am writing a book about Marie and her family. On 1-1-1795 her father became Mayor of the city I actually life in. How peculiar because when I started this story I made a story board. That was in 2000. 2 years later I moved to where I live now. It's funny but I could have found my luck on an island. How different from life in a city.

If I learned something of this is that the opportunity leads you to the place where you belong. My brother found his love in The Hague, my sister in Groningen and Tunisia. I'm still looking for that opportunity. And yes, I'm from a family that dies young but finds the right opportunity in the end.

Freedom

It's the title of Jonathan Franzen his book about family matters, the hope and despair in families and about impossible ambitions.
I heard Obama read the book too. Is it maybe because of the similarities between the book and his administration?
Freedom is a page turner. Can't wait to see where it leads to.

Today I was thinking how to finish a book I'm writing.
It's about the negligence of the north east of my country by The Hague, that's the nations political heartland.
Two things happened.
-Firstly the PVV (Party of Freedom) wants votes to get into the Senate. They want Limburg for the people who live there. Of course that will increase the power of the cabinet. There could be some problems... the province of Limburg has no own means. The population is decreasing. The mines are closed a long time ago. The automotive Industry moved. The province should concentrate on tourism in my opinion. The PVV focuses their campaign on the rather negative slogan Not for Mosques but for carnival in Limburg.
This is one of the aspects in the book, the derealization of life there once was. It might be about urgency to be flexible with the change of the environment.
- Secondly, I saw a promotion video. It was a political video on national television for a political party in the north east part of the country Some people from that region want their freedom because the State earns money from the natural resources and doesn't give back means to conserve the region and to make it more prosperous. That party focuses on
separation from The Netherlands. It is from their point of view understandable, but it is so immature. How can you fight for something you don´t really believe in? It has no authenticity if it's only about money. The people living in the periphery of The Hague are not only people represented by these parties.
Authenticity has to do with the values you believe in, your patriotism. If you don't want to defend your country you could also life elsewhere. That makes a separation unlikely.

For citizen in Amsterdam, Rotterdam, The Hague and in villages and towns which form the heartland of The Netherlands, these views are examples of the dumbness of the people in the region. They look down on the provincials and they know it. People in the province feel that arrogance.

I thought of a despotic leader like Milosevic who led his people into a war. There only has to be one leader who knows how to persuade people to get their freedom. This could be one line in the book.

I should thank E. for her authenticity. She introduced it with me after talking about the whole Maslow thing and her self realization. Concerned E. I'm on a distance now and I see her vulnerability and her being idolized by a colleague.

I hate that idolizing. It's almost sick how he talks about her. How positive and uplifting he is about E. Concerned work he should do anything for her. Miss this and miss that.
I can make myself mad about that. Actually I did last week. But I'm not as direct as most Dutch are in this part of the country. I was angry about another thing, which made him a little bit furious. He tried to stay calm however. But I rejected what he said.

I better read Freedom

Assange

Julian Assange is the name of the founder of wiki-leaks. After leaking information about Afghanistan, politics are under attack and soon the banks will face public condemnation. About banks, if they aren't already condemned, the huge bonuses are back. This week bonuses will be published. Assange's publication of hidden information about wicked banks, what they do, how they finance, can't be to early because Assange might be caught by justice for a Swedish allegation of sexual harassment.
In the Netherlands we can sign a petition on www.petities.nl
I heard about it in the Works Council and several people signed it.

I don't know what to think about Assange's wiki-leaks. Some things are really good, for example the helicopter shootout on civilians and Reuters photographers in Afghanistan. Other leaks of cables are less clear if it should be leaked. Does Julian Assange know where his legitimacy ends and his responsibility starts?

Transparency is okay, until personal privacy comes in. So the diplomatic cables are not right if you know the sender. Try to anonymize him, success.

In the end when he will be arrested and justice plays a game with him, I will support him. Right now it's to early to sign the petition.
If Assange will be arrested and convicted for wikileaks he might be a marthyr for freedom of speech, freedom of information and transparancy
Countries and Governments can't prevent leaks anymore. The internet is too widespread. It's controlled by itself.

The next video of CSNY "teach your children well" might be about the information era we're in. This confidential information must get to the people. Next video is not watchale for anyone.

family

The test I talked about in Aura I was tested as an entrepreneur. There might be something in it. Lately I heard a behavioral theory about people who come from the area I come from. I'm from the moor. Originally my family before the 19th century came from the north west of Germany, on border with The Netherlands. They moved west because there the work was.

Later in the 20th century some unmarried men moved to the mines and the moors in the south of The Netherlands. Even some people moved to the moors in south west England. My family in the early days had no homes. They moved from place to place because once you live in the moor you got no certainty. Within a few years or less the turf development moved and therefor the families had to move quickly and had to rebuilt the house elsewhere. It was a cheap shelter for animals and humans.
some kind of turf shed

Those days my family had the drive to find new places to excel, no matter how marginal their existence was. They tried to make all the best of it. The best they could do was to move. People moved 200 kilometers, others 700 kilometers. They were the opportunists of their times. Some had the entrepreneurship and worked for DSM or Philips, but above all they did their own thing.

This is the opportunistic family I'm from. Surviving the worst, dealing with the best things there are. Wonder if anybody went to America.

Originally we come from a farm between Oldenburg and Meppen in Germany. Catholicism and the birth rate did the family grow and spread their wings over North West Europe.

Anthem

As the theme of the blog has something to do with personal growth I would like to show the next video of the Dutch Anthem. The subscribtion is in English and Dutch. I value it more nowadays, maybe because I am getting older. I think this Anthem is heroic. In fact it isn't. We almost lost a war against Catholic Spain and in the song we ask ourselves what we did do wrong. We kept our heads up and honoured the king of Spain. In the peace of Münster the Netherlands made peace with Spain. War was over. Thank God.

aura

In week 47 my employer organised the-week-of-mobility.
It was organised because of the changes in the organisation in the next months, years. The employees have to make up their mind whether they feel comfortable to work for the municipality or to work in another setting. The employee should listen to the authenticity of himself. For the organisation it's the right person on the right spot.
In that way it's ironic that a manager who quit his job temporarily to rethink his position is back in his job apparently.

This week I had my aura read. I must laugh about that. Everything she said could have been true for anybody else. After the reading I told her some things of my life and said that anything which would be read would apply on me. Even if it was specific. She didn't give me a colour which is what they do. I don't have an aura colour. What does that mean?

I did a workshop about Neuro Linguistic programming, which was very interesting. Makes me think why we don't have team building.

It reminds me of the course I had about feeling and attitude.
I also had a test what profession fits me best... Guess I'm a business entrepreneur, that dress-code suits me. I'm kidding if I believe that. Some aspects are okay. I do try to be independent. I really feel myself independent. If I am now is another question.

Finally I spoke a member of management (they had a role as speed-coach)
She advised me to listen to myself and think out of the box. Maybe I am an independent thinker who should not be in the public sector.
They wanna get rid of me. It's a conspiracy against me.

home

My soul belongs to the world. I've got India in my head right now.
I stand with my feet in the heartland of Europe and reach out with my arms to Russia and the United States.
My bed is in South America. Africa posesses my sofa and Australia has my chair. The Far East is my kitchen, with the north pole as a fridge and the south pole as my deep-freezer.

The world is my home.

Some kind of globalization?

Daily mail

Teacher, leave them kids alone.

They don't need no thought control.

Triumph

Trump might run for president. It wasn't mentioned on the news-channel in my country. Actually it was mentioned as a comic sideline in lay back news show. Nobody knows what it was about cause we don't know much about America. Do we fellow Dutch? Donald Trump might run as a republican candidate for the presidential office. A billionaire focused on money, on the unequal trade balance with China. His only goal is to have the Chinese Yen it's real value. With or without him in the office, there's gonna be a currency war in the end.

Will Trump Triumph?

Municipality

Alright, I have a short break. Three weeks ago I claimed this week as a free week. Hear what I say -claim-! At my work we don't ask if we can take a week off. No, we write it down on a white board and inform direct colleagues. We didn't discuss it. That's how it can be too. More responsibility for the employees!

I wrote a note about efficiency and effectiveness.
It translated from Dutch to English with wordlingo and adjusted it.

Future development

My opinion is that the municipality should behave internally organisationally more like a company. There where critical company processes come in, heavier control mechanisms should be used.

Responsibilities must be placed lower in the organisation. Decisions which are for a service important, must be taken by the responsible Executive Board.

For non-service critical decisions authorisation can be given at a lower organisational level. There must be a function separation were always the authorisation of 2 officials is needed to authorise a decision.

The problem of independent consultants and customer managers is that not all decisions are reviewed. Control takes place afterwards. The question is if there a one on one control. If there is a random control, possibly decisions are (dis)approved wrongfully.

This is an assessment of to what extent something can go wrong in order to carry out the activities more rapidly. The task of the municipality can be that we must work more efficiently and more effectively. This must be preceded by a number of questions:

- how do we define effectiveness and efficiency?

- where in the municipality lies the emphasis on efficiency?

- where in the municipality lies the emphasis on effectiveness?

- how is the proportion of these terms?

Also I wrote a reaction on a memorandum of Management. We got some questions.
In March we got elections for the Council. I'm not candidate for election. My latest reaction could be the last.

For now I'll aim at my career. There is more I can achieve. Thanks to the Council.

Al Jazeera

In Al Jazeera Riz Kahn Slavoj Zizek, a Slovenian philosopher and cultural critic, tries to give an answer on the question whether we live in the end times.
It's about the collapse of society and the failure of capitalism.
An interesting view.

reading

The book Freedom of Johnathan Franzen got my attention because I saw an interview with the writer on Dutch  television. So last week I bought it. Maybe I learn some more things about the philosophy of life.

Some weeks ago I was at a party of someone who I gave Savater's In praise of profanity
Bruna.nl describes this book on it's site:
"In a playful but insistent way Savater in this book provides an anatomy of religion as a delusion: it is the fear of death that man makes one yearn for eternal life. Doubt God means recognizing that our existence is finite. Savater Thus, the key questions of human existence: what is truth and what are we afraid of? Why is a good life on earth preferable to an infinite afterlife? In his reflections about this Savater used as inspiration the work of great thinkers on the relationship between man and God, as Spinoza, Hegel, Bertrand Russell and Hannah Arendt, but just as easily Mark Twain and Richard Feynman. Savater also sheds light on the role of religion in today's world of postmodern 'something-ism' to political Islam and Christianity to neo-conservative fundamentalist credulity.

The conclusion is clear: what man needs is not faith in God but believe in the ever perfect, rarely heavenly, but always infinite possibilities of man himself."


The bold text refers to the famous Dutch writer Harry Mulisch who once said that though everybody will die, it's not 100 % certain he will die. So that moment, Mulisch said, he is immortal because it isn't certain he will die too. Mulisch died last week on October 30 2010. He wasn't immortal.
I saw the emotional farewell ceremony on live television and it was like a Shakespeare play.

This weekend I have much to do.
It's work related; Works council.

I have some critics about the Management on every level.
I spoke E. about her work and she told me a sad story how her work as a ******* has been used. Openness is a great thing to pursue. More communication should make people happier. Now they have the feeling to be excluded. I don't know what the usual practice is, but shouldn't external ****** with ****** parties be the exclusive work for the *******?

E. also told that incentives are blocked by different levels of management. She doesn't feel comfortable to work for the municipality. Everybody works for his own benefit and keeps information for himself. This makes the organisation vulnerable.

Another interesting thing is the reorganisation of the department and the Service as a whole.
The department I talk about has 3 quality-workers who criticise the work of counselors, while another department which doesn't work efficient and effective makes a reorganisation necessary.
It is a political decision to have the reorganisation. I ask myself if the public servants have nothing to say on how it will be done. Probably an expensive consultation office will judge the progress and adjust when it's necessary.
Of course I know that the first report triggered the reform but after that a political decision was made to change the organisation to a front and back-office organisation.
E's department has it already and it works (with a lot of changes for all the people). Integration with other departments makes it hard again for many people. (Some almost had a breakdown because of the previous change.)

In a last month's meeting with the director I brought the communication up for discussion. I only said that there is no openness in the organisation. I immediately felt that red alert from star-trek "shields up." The face of the director came in the defense mode.

I can understand in some way her reaction because the director tries to be open, but it's not her it's the organisation as a whole. The way we work, it's a kind of hierarchic.
I talked about it with another colleague and he argued that the government needs more hierarchy than businesses because it's the public cause with public money. That's true but the civil service has to have more
entrepreneurship. This the secretary of the former Major said to some people in a discussion I attended.

At least we should take that concept into consideration.
It means more responsibility with the employees. Therefore the educational level of the employees should be increased. I told about it before.
In fact the educational level increased in the last 5 years. Problem is that the responibility in the jobs doesn't. So people get annoyed and stressed.

cycle city

Amazing how few cars are in the old city of Groningen in Holland.

This is the town my kids could grow up.

Pension

Yesterday I was at a party of my mothers friend on behalf of his 65th birthday. In the Netherlands the age of 65 is the start of getting a state pension and employers pension. He still works for a postal services company.

At the party were some people I haven't seen for 15 years! One is 80 now and still eager to know everything what happens. The other is in her seventies and still cycles 5,000 kilometer a year.

In France they had strikes because of the proposal of Sarkouzy to postpone pension with 2 years. Normal pension will start at 63 in the new proposal.

In my newspaper a french woman, Hala Naoum Nehme(Politics, French university) says that according to others France is left oriented. Left because the strike-rate is high due to their conservatism to keep the social rights and their conservatism to the changing outside world.
France is left, according to them because of the French policy of protectionism and the hostile attitude of free trade and free market.
This cannot be left. This is conservatism, communism. France is ruled from Paris like a real centralized communistic country.

According to the woman above isn't true because the world in France changes too. The universities and Grand Écoles change the way the students are prepared for their work in society.
Education is internationalized and the French students come to universities abroad and other way round. That means that on the institutes English and German are also languages in which colleges are given. This makes France more accessible for foreigners. Also French students are obliged to study abroad for 1 year. Amazing.

It's strange that youngsters still are so conservative. Maybe it's a relic for the decades of protests, or did they have a revolution centuries ago that shocked the world?
Nehme concludes that future leaders of France know that the country needs to be reformed. This is in spite of the massive protests in the last weeks.
France got no way to turn back.

Crazy

Today I took a day off. First of all because my central heater had to be cleaned. The appointment was made in the afternoon so I had some time to do things I can't do at work. I wanted to call the last known laborer of  the woman I want to get back in touch with.
I haven't seen her for more than 15 years now. I completely lost track of her while I knew her so well. She made me what I am partly. She was kind of mother for me. Call her a friend. 32 Years ago she came into my life and finally 17 later it was over. Due to myself I must say. I sometimes completely get fucked up with myself. If I'm crazy.

I called her former employer and finally spoke an ex colleague who knows the woman I'm looking for. That was emotional. I asked her how Fennie is doing. She hasn't spoken with her for a long time so she didn't know. But she will ask her to contact me. That's all she can do. But I felt happy that Fennie might get in touch. Let's hope for it.

criticism

Arnon Grunberg is a Dutch writer living in New York. He wrote Tirza.
Tirza is also the name of the movie of he Dutch submission for the Academy Awards.

In this movie Johanna Ter Steege plays a role. It happens that the writer fell in love with her years ago but she left his love unanswered. Together they had an agreement to write a series monologues. It was cancelled however. He used the work in a small book and published it. Against the will of Johanna. That's why Johanna is angry.
"In a strange way," Arnon Grunberg said, "the unanswered love is honourable. Even her angriness, after all these years flatters me."
Arnon quoted Primo Levi, an Italian writer. Levi said,"The opposite of love is not hatred but regardless or indifference."

When I look at my own behaviour towards E. I can understand the quote above.
I love her, but it's an one way love. She doesn't. What can I do? Choose the other side of the spectrum of love? I try to marginalize what happened. I avoid her as much as possible. I answer telephone calls as strictly business like she does. It feels a little bit heartaching after 4 months.

The Works Council is going well. We have some discussion about whose task it is to tell our voters, the rank and file, how decisions (WC?) are made and which direction we are going. That means which direction the Director wants to go.
I agree with some accountability, but it's the Director who runs the business, not the WC.
We can only say this and that happened and we support the decision. How it will be executed is up to the Director and her staff.
I wrote an email to my WC-colleagues in which I said this all.

I also wrote an email about the jobs mobility. In a periodical I read that someone got a job from someone else whose job will be vacant because of retirement. They are not on the same department. I know them both but I never read about a vacancy. This rang a bell with me.
I took this case with me to last weeks meeting with the WC and made my point.
It hasn't much to do with the 2 persons concerned but with the whole idea, the concept of what the work of the WC is.

the 12 headed monster

On the frontrow from the left Uri Rosenthal, Mark Rutte, queen Beatrix, Maxime Verhagen and Ivo Opstelten. The

This row is an example how politics work. The 2 men on the outside did the inquiries in the first stage and the second stage. They got a ministerpost for their work. The man left of the queen won the election. He becomes the new minister president. Right of the queen, the big loser of the election 4 months ago. He waited for his turn and is now vice minister president.

This is really outrageous. Wilders who makes this cabinet possible supports the hidden backroom politics giving jobs to men who made this possible (the outsiders on the row mentioned). The bad thing is the lack of transparancy in the formation proces.
The average age is high ( some say 63) maybe because of the reliability of the men.
There are 3 women, to please the emancipation lobby?

How long will this awkward structure last? I think it won't last it's whole term of 4 years. Some people say 6 months, others say 4 years.

Instant karma



shakespeare

King Lear, Shakespeare, I know. Difficult? No, in fact it's not. I must say, Cordelia is like E. for me.

I read a book of Fernando Savater. It's a small philosophy about unbelief and doubt

What is not surrounded by uncertainty cannot be true (by Richard Feynman) is a nice saying because it says to ask questions if something is told to be true or the truth. Doubt on everything there is. Doubt on me being here or there. As far as you can know I'm just a ghost writing because know-one ever saw me actually write.

Today is the 70th birthday of John Lennon. Well, if people know your birthday, you must be important. He had some charism to give peace a chance.

crisis

Referring to the previous 2 posts, the Christian congress was emotional for many people. The minister of foreign affairs was even tearfully in his last speech to persuade the voters to vote yes for the agreement. He was one of the negotiators. It was in his personal interest that there was a huge yes, 68% is not enough to say it´s overwhelming. Something happened on the congress. Their party is still alive. The question is if they can get protest-votes back . The next election in March 2011 will be the next indication. The Christians are in crisis.

Today the weather was fine. Maybe the last day above the 20 degrees C. Again I didn't cycle. My whole hobby is in a crisis. What to do?

congress

The congress of the Christian party has spoken. 68% in pro coalition with VVD and the party of Wilders.
2 Members of parliament voted against the proposal. They doubt what to do. I can understand these 2 people. When you have certain values than it's problematic to support a cabinet with a party which is against these values.
Next step is what the 2 people who lead the 32% inside the Christian party do.

This country will be divided by the political controversy about Islam.
Wilders talked for an hour in Berlin  about his ideas. Ideas? Well only one idea. His party PVV is an one issue party. It's all about Islam. He now compares it with communism and national socialism. Insiders in Wilders' party call even socialism as the evil in politics.
And of course he made his followers in Berlin shiver from his views about the future. He plays his role as a prophet,

agreement

After  111 days the negotiators made a compromise how to govern Holland. Now the Christian party has to agree upon the compromise.
Sad day for us, beautiful day for the followers of politics. It's gonna be a slap stick, a show, something to follow from a distance to see the mistakes made.

In the last 100 days people not belonging to the inner circle of the negotiators and party members didn't get any information about what's going to happen. Public opinion was on a holiday because there was hardly any detailed news about what was happening. These were the closed doors, the backroom politics Wilders talked about. Now he's part of it. Never talk again about these backroom politics, mister Wilders!

The parties of this minority in parliament has to approve the agreement. This is a slap in the face of democracy. A minority rules Holland. A minority decides on the faith of the nation.
It might be cancelled however a name for the next cabinet will be Rutte-Verhage.  Are these 2 courageous and overconfident men the henchmen of the wizard of the political right wing?

Who knows, the agreement is not yet public and the parties didn't judge it. Saturday everything will be clarified. There is an opera about these political exciting days.... the tenors, alts just sing Yes, yes, No, Yes, no, no. Movies could also be made out of this comedy of political life.

I hear disapproving voices about the in political situation in the Works Council, on the work-floor. I only heard one voter for Wilders. I don't understand why these people disapprove the attitude of the voters for Wilders. The municipality has to accept that there will be cuts in public spending. So we got to take advantage of the negative news. This must not be a threat.

flowers

Friday September 24 was a successful day for me.
Some days are just perfect because at the end of the day it all seems to be so advantageous.
My day was good because it started slow (like slow food you got to take time to prepare the food). I had an appointment with my mental trainer/ coach or whatever you call him, in the morning. We had a good talk about assholes in life (traffic, work, daily life) because of the book I read, talked about 2 incidents and how I reacted on it. I try to use the theory I called the 4 G's theory. (REBT of A. Ellis) in these cases more or less and it works.
It's not that I practice the theory intentionally. When I think of the situation afterwards or discuss it than I conclude that there is a REBT in it.

I told about E. whom I fell in love with and about wanting to work on another department, doing different things. I'm working under my level for years now. That's another story. In the next weeks I got to find out what the ideal job for me looks like. After that I can arrange a conversation with my team-leader about more inciting work.

After this session I cycled back to work and felt better than a week ago. Again 21 kilometers, now without difficulty.
At work it was silent.Only 5 colleagues. And after 3 pm there were 3 of us.
Fantastic. No disturbance, no unnecessary incentives.

Yesterday 29 years back Mr Joe Black didn´t get me. Great how life in 29 years evolves. So I´m happy that here I am so far. It could have been worse!

explosive

I started to read something about the society I live in. For foreigners the Netherlands seems to be not the perfect place to live in.
We are degenerated to a society of assholes. Just ordinary people like my colleagues and I.
Yeah ME, that's the reason I read the lecture about sociology/psychology in relation with society. The book tries to explain where the Dutch dissatisfaction comes from. It tries to explain to the reader why we are satisfied in our personal life but short tempered in society. People have a happy family but going to work they have to face many obstacles. They become explosive devices.

c*mm*n*c*t**n

We had the State of the Union yesterday. The so called Prinsjesdag
On this day the queen had her speech from the Throne.
In this speech the plans of the Cabinet were unfolded. Sad news because the Netherlands has to cut expenses drastically. It will hurt people's spending power. Some more, others less. Of course they take the easy targets first and that are the public spending on health-care, children care, inurement in our society of foreigners, people care, civil services and civil servants. In the next 4 years the expenses have to be cut with 18 trillion Euro!

The new cabinet isn't installed yet. The parties are still negotiating. Maybe the orthodox Christian right wing with 2 seats in parliament will support the new cabinet. It's a rumor. I thought of it and wrote about earlier.

As I am in the civil service I'm supposed not to like it. Do I? No not really. I like a better leaner civil service. That means a smaller one. We need to do the same with less means, meaning a more effective service.
Management has to monitor work-processes more closely. Management has to be on the job when real important decisions have to be made. A unit-manager has more decision-power than just an advisor and the team-leader. In my unit they talk for more than a year about adjustment of the system - work on the department I worked for. Now it comes to an halt? Why didn't management intervene? Seems to be a case of bad communication.
In fact I once said in this blog that I don't like the word c*mm*n*c*t**n.

insanity

I'm reading a book which I could have read for my high school book-list.
The tittle is Die Leiden des Jungen Werthers. Goethe is the author.
The book was written in 1770 as a series of letters from Werther to his brother/friend Wilhelm.

Werther went to the countryside, probably because he was stressed. He had to find himself again, his authenticity and passion for drawing and painting. There he was melancholic and sharp as well in observations and philosophical thoughts. For example about the relation between feelings and behavior.
After a few letters he fell in love with Lotte. Lotte was a woman I compare with the woman I call E. in this blog. No wonder that Werther fell in love with her.
Werther thought, hoped and knew that she loved him.

Problem was that she was the fiance of a certain Albert. Werther and Albert had no problems with each other. But Werther could forget his love to be answered.
In the letters he describes the process of almost 2 years until he was completely possessed by Lotte, the unanswered love. How it ends, is described on the backside of the book.

It's much like Dostoyewski's the Gambler in which the main character would jump into a ravine if she asked. He would do anything for her.

I bet Werther would do anything for Lotte too.

I said that I would do anything for E. too.  However I'm not insane. (I told her once when she asked me something, I would do anything for her. She never asked me again.)

emotions

This week I had a feeling being tested in life.
I told about the theory I learned from my mental trainer (4 G-theory).
This I learn(ed) because my emotions goes from 0 to 10 very rapidly.
These emotions could be everything, from being afraid to being very angry and I should control them.

Well, in daily life I had 2 opportunities to test it.
The first opportunity was a request to have a list of the colleagues of my old department I still work with. I know there is a digitalized list with also the weekly schedules and telephone numbers of appr. 40 colleagues.
I think it's normal that this information can be given to colleagues who have close contacts. In my opinion this information should be even in the address book in Outlook. In fact all kinds of information should be accessible for employees.
The answer I got was that it wasn't necessary because: 1 I should have no contacts with them directly; 2 the list of colleagues changes constantly.
I couldn't get a worse excuse. Next Monday my coordinator will exchange views about this with my old department. It's just to silly to spend words on like in this paragraph. However it's an example of what gives a boost to my anger.

It's openness of information you know, for our citizens and employees of the municipality. If a Governmental body doesn't show openness can the Government expect that from their citizen? I can put it on paper and address it to the Works Council.

The second test was Friday, yesterday. I had an appointment with my mental trainer. I took my time to go to the address because it was raining cats and dogs. When I arrived I learned that my appointment was cancelled. They tried to reach me but I didn't answer the phone. I don't when I'm at work.
I was sweating because of the biking and an uncontrolled illness (I've been ill for a few weeks, still worked around though) and learned that my coach was ill. At first I was puzzled, didn't they phone me nor email me?
My anger grew. Then I was told that they couldn't reach me at home and they didn't have my email address.


But is my problem with angriness not really simple?
I just wanna speedup things.

faster.... watch this video

9-11

When I say... I am a Muslim
I'm not shouting
"Down with the Christians and Jews."
I am whispering, "I seek peace"
And Islam is the path that I choose.
When I say... I am a Muslim,
I speak of this with pride,
And confess that sometimes I stumble
And need Allah to be my guide.
When I say... I am a Muslim,
I know that makes me strong
And in those times when I am weak
I pray to Allah for strength to carry on.
When I say... I am a Muslim,
I not boasting of success,
I'm acknowledging that Allah has rescued me
And I cannot ever repay the debt.
When I say... I am a Muslim,
I'm not claiming to be perfect.
My flaw are indeed visible
But Allah forgives
Because his followers are worth it.
When I say... I am a Muslim,
It does not mean I will never feel pain.
I still have my share of heartaches
Which is why I invoke Allah's name.
When I say... I am a Muslim,
I do not wish to judge.
I have no such authority.
My duty is to submit
To Allah's all-encompassing love

This poem Hadiya, aka Hnk, read in december 2004 before her book was published. If you replace Muslim with Christian and Allah with God then the poem still goes. Aren't all religions eventually based on the same universal love?
Isn't that what people need?

dog-sledging

Climbing the Maslow mountain is indeed a climb with risks.
Getting tired, altitude disease, accidental fall, headache, aching muscles, dizziness. Then there are external factors such as traffic which makes this imaginary mountain huge.

The behavior theory says:
occurrence -> thought -> perception -> behaviour
Infact it's like economics.
If something happens then you have a thought about that which gives you a perception. This perception tells you how to behave.
Next step is to change the thought on an occurrence.
Is it a kind of crisis management?

It is a next step into the death zone.

Well another way to find some peace is buddhism or.....
watch this video...peace man

books

The 3 parties who cancelled the negotiations 2 times are talking again.
The party who sacrificed one of their negotiators goes back to the table to negotiate.
The informer can only warn the parties not fail another time.
It's now 3 months after the elections and nothing happened.
Wilders has a wild-card and he plays the card as someone who doesn't know the rules of the game. I think he gambles, like the the old Russian woman in Dostojevski's the Gambler. In the end she lost everything.
Why don't the political parties tell him the rules? Remind him what the rules are. Then we'll have slap sticks and Geert Wilders is the man in bonus.

On September 11 mr. Wilders will come to the 911 ceremony in NYC. He will speak there and will say probably something which is the opinion of himself and his movement. He does twitter as well. Today he twittered that the plan of a reference in Florida to burn the Koran is not a good plan.
Burning books is a symptom of the growing dissatisfaction among the natives. If you are going to burn books, there are so many books which could be burned. The environmentalists wil have a problem with book burning and not only them.

heart

Wilders is eating the confessional conservative heart out of the political nation. He is minimizing the conservative party. He's playing as a predator with his prey. It's funny to see how he sees politics. It's astonishing how the informer of the parties lets it all happen.
The confessionals are eager to govern the nation. They sacrificed the second negotiator as the well known lamb to please their God.

But in this confessional party there are also other religions present. Wilders is against their believe. At least in Holland. So he creates tension in society. We can't use that. It's a civilized world now but if we gonna expel people because of their religion or opinion it's not so friendly anymore.
Maybe he still lives in the past when his father was young. The seeds may be even sown back in an earlier past of his family. Read in Wikipedia some about Geert Wilders. It is intriguing.

Today it's September 7. This week real work started again. Meetings with the Works Council, with the director, courses to keep knowledge up to date.
The workload increases in my job but also on other departments. My old department has a shortage of employees. In the summer-period several chose to work elsewhere. From one person it is said that he could leave because he argues decisions of the team-leader. It is a sad story.

On the 16th my old department has planned a birthday party for those who had their birthday in the past year. It was told when we had a meeting with the former department. In the morning we just received a mail that my new department planned a trip with a dinner. A kind of teambuilding.
I'm not so keen on parties so these are planned well.

Another party is tonight, I wanna say happy 68th birthday to Fennie Brouwer. Fennie I send you my heart.

swarmdemocracy

Early this morning I heard a theory about starlings.
The number of starling that is necessary to make a swarm is the square root of the total number starlings. For a swarm of 1,000 starlings only 33 must have the same idea. These are social animals you know. You must have seen them on a rooftop, crowding in trees or on a high voltage cable above the ground.  In September, October they'll be grouping to make the flight south, to south Europe and Africa.

Humans act the same way. The guerilla marketing is based on the same principle. Only a relative small group of people make a complete population follow the large number. Often it works better than expensive advertisement campaigns. Some brands are ruined by the geurilla marketing.

Maybe the Dutch democracy is based upon the same principle. One party which got 1.5 million votes decides the faith of 16 million. It's a swarmdemocracy in the Netherlands nowadays.
A relative small group can decide. We saw it with Fortuyn and his legacy. We see it with Wilders this time. The other parties don't want to  miss contact with the mass who voted for him.
The other parties follow the small one.

Politics

It's almost 3 months ago when we had elections and still we don't have a new cabinet.
It's a bit complicated and the different parties are not quite honest to themselves, to the voters, to democracy and the rules we have in our democracy.
The game is played by amateurs: Wilders, Rutte and Verhagen. The leaders of the 3 parties which have a 1 seat mayority.
Now one party can't guarantee that all their members will vote in the line of the cabinet.
This is for Wilders a reason to quit negotiators.

In the Conservative party there are 3 member who can't go with the line set by the 3 negotiators.
Wilders want these 3 to sign a statement in which they promise to vote with the party.
This is forbidden in my country. Every Parlementarian should vote for themselves, what they think is wise. Not what the party thinks.
Wilders and his followers will be in the opposition and will criticize the new cabinet in every combination.

Paulus converted himself from a prosecutor of christians into a follower of Christ.  Can Wilders change himself? I don't think so.

Sallie

World Peace might come about if {we} blogged about it. More importantly it begins with a smile to a stranger, a kind word to another; consistently. A touch, a hug, ... a meaningful glance into a troubled eye. IF everyone helps and produces positive thoughts, even when it hard to do so... The World would turn differently. IF people only would try... and maybe be less-selfish. Negative War Blogs promote distruction even when they are against the distruction... just the thought/reality promotes. ~sad~ {Bravo... on this post, it is worth thinking about}

By Sallie on Blogging for peace on 30/07/06
 
I haven't heard from her since a long time. She needs a HUG.

smile

a girl standing here
not so different
than the rest
so much self esteem
so dynamic
and so direct

all these positive marks
lead to a negative one
so nosy and clever
so prominent
she gets tired
of herself

she is a pro
in the game
of making friends
that is her business as usual
to put a smile
on people's faces

the girl standing there
so different than the rest
so much self esteem
so dynamic
and so direct
she puts a smile on my face too

---------------------------

Adam Phillips explains psychoanalysis with reading poetry. According to Freud poetry came before psychoanalysis.

What is poetry?
What is it that poetry takes more energy than just a story?

Why don't I ask what psychoanalysis is?  Because the answer is there.

frogspawn

the bending climbing tree
kneeling to the ground
along the waterside
invited like an elephant
to climb in
and watch from it's back

in spring
the frogspawn
turn into tadpoles
catch them
and keep them alive
of course they will all die

in summertime
see large fishes
snapping at oxygen
from the air
try to catch one
and dad will butcher it

in late summer
break into a shed
on the other side
of the lake
and grab some stuff
mum will like

in autumn
before the rain
and storm
collect as much
chestnuts and acorn
mum will like again

in winter
sledging to the waterfront
trying the ice
getting wet and cold
hot chocolate
as a treat

Harvest

Time to enjoy a perfect view (without risking a fall from the edge)

king

around me space
everything and empty
earthly heaven is far away
I am nothing
of everything that is defenceless
the start of everything with value
but don't call me Sam
because I am the king of nothingness

motivation

I was not quite motivated to go to the Harz. The plan was to cycle to the highest mountain in north west Europe. This mountain, the Brocken, has a height of 1,142 meter. Lack of motivation makes achieving this plan more difficult.

Yesterday I read about Faust as part of the story written by Goethe. It's the part when Mephistopheles leads Faust through the Harz near Schierke, a village on foot of the Brocken. The village and the mountain were my destination.
I told C., my neighbour, that I read about my destination where I would go to on bike.
She understood immediately that the book was the motivation to go to the Brocken for another time.
I must admit that is a motivation for the next time.

Is it by accident that the not made vacation destination, occurs in a book I didn't plan to read?
No, it gives me the motivation to try it another time.
Is it by accident people fall in love? I can't help.

Today I had to go to my former colleagues. It's a heavy load and that's why I am so positive and happy when I'm there. When I sat there and spoke to someone I suddenly heard the loud voice of E. saying hello to me. Disturbed I watched her and said hello. I did my work and said goodbye when I was ready.

At my new workplace I had much to do and I got a call from E. All work related. She asked me if the payment to a big creditor was made yet. She asked if I could help her with the info. I said I would do anything for her.
She said more or less that she doesn't like me saying that. I was a bit puzzled.

Later I spoke her again after providing her with the information she wanted I asked her what she meant. Rhetorical she said that I knew. I admit I played a game from the book. And E. reacted as I expected. Probably she is more clever than I am. In her vocabulaire no means no.

In Dostojewski's the player the main character likes Pauline Alexandrowna. Her name is mentioned on the first page. On page 40 he reminds her that he's her slave and that on an occasion she could have said one word and he would have jumped into the ravine of the Schlangenberg. He would do anything for her. My guess is that because Pauline didn't say that one word he could stay and love her. She knew that he loved her. Maybe that is what she likes; to be loved.

Probably E. likes people and people like here. But don't go to far. Because then E. can/should/would and will act accordingly. There is a thin line which I shouldn't cross and I know it.

design

I changed my blog a little. It looks more professional.
The advantage is that the blog is easier to maintain. I can add gadgets which I have to experience.
The first mistake I made was that I forgot my counter. I lost the 5,436 visitors since July 20 2004. Who cares. A chance to reinvent, make it better and have more fun.

The blogosphere could be a form of Intelligent Design (ID). :)
Bloggers make their stories, write about something or collect from the Internet and the designer creates a gimmick to create even better blogs. Step by step it will be more intelligent. I bet in a few years it will be possible to use apps on your cellphone to write a blog without writing but only giving the content of personal interest. A blog feeder does the work. The same as with news-feeds now on the blogs.

What's the use of it, you might ask. Ask yourself why people write. I mainly write to synchronize and analyse my life. It is very therapeutic.

3 minutes poem

the sun
mother of earth
warms earth
lets life be

you were out for sun
you love sun
it gives you life
and joy
your happiness
depends on her
it is her

it is a confession
to confessor
who she is
but hell
she does not know

Faust & 9-11

A report of last week:

Last Thursday I had a day off and at noon I got my bike for a ride of 2 hours.
At 4 pm I had an appointment with a therapist to make clear what I want to work on.

It's my coping-style, how I deal with problems. I want to find out how I can determine when something might get out of hand.
E. said wisely that when I got 2 conflicts, it's probably me who causes the problem. I am the only constant in it. She apologized herself. I don't blame her.
So I got to work on my coping style....

This weekend I started to read something about Faust, quite interesting.
I also read a collection of columns of a writer who admires PVV-leader Wilders.
You better know your enemies isn't it?

Shocking news is that in the pre Wilders years she was more an advocate of the murdered Theo van Gogh. Her columns were amusing though.

Note that Wilders will be at the memorial of the 9-11 attacks in NYC.
He'll be there because of the building of a mosk a few blocks away. Of course in the Netherlands it's all free publicity for his movement.

What is the connection between Faust and 9-11 I ask myself.
Are both connected by an advocate of the Devil?

imaginable

15 years in jail how would that feel? I can only speak for myself. I think of the lost contacts with family and friends. Not so much with society, with life as it is.

Family and friends matter but society and life will be different. Both will be in another form. There will be life. Not as it was. Just as it is. Unimaginable if you look in the future. Looking back is easy.

I saw a report from an airport where 2 men waited for their sister from Iran. They haven't seen each other for 9 years. The reporter was astonished.
I thought of Ocean and her husband. 9 Years and 30 years no physical contact with family. I can't imagine what the welcome would be or can I?

I haven't seen and spoken my step mum in a 15 years. That hurts because I got so much to say, so many things to talk over. I feel we have 15 years to catch up. I feel that time is ticking but in a part of me time has come to a halt. She has been frozen in a time capsule.
That means 15 years in a prison cell for me. Minutes go by minute, days by days, but in a part of me time stopped. The strange thing is that I don't feel myself getting older in that particular spot, only wiser.

Maybe this post is all about responsibility.

formation

Saturday I woke up at 7 am and sleep drunk I heard a part of the news.
A week of new negotiations between right wing parties seem to reach a final agreement in which 3 parties find themselves.
2 right wing parties will form a minority Cabinet and a third party will support them to come to a majority. The third party tolerates the minority. This ultra right wing party was against the toleration policy which they saw as something of the left wing.

This opens for the ultra right party (it's the movement of Wilders) possibilities not taking responsibilities and segregating Dutch society. A minority cabinet is unheard.

Is there nothing we can do? More people like Giovanca Ostiana could make a difference. Giovanca is a singer from the Antilles but she can express her opinion in an overwhelming way. Giovanca tells about experiences in her daily life.

In the blue Monday post of June 13 I was completely wrong. Hopefully with all, but certainly with the outcome of the formation of a new cabinet if it's a deal.
The biggest loser and the winner of the elections can use the party they more or less spit on. That's dirty politics. Sometimes it is really dirty.

back

Lets get back 3 weeks. My vacation started. Lets get back to what I wrote down then in my diary.

June 12 - Holiday. To forget everything. To take distance from my job, distance from E., from what happened Friday at work (I wrote about it). This week I need to think forward how I'll do my holiday. How far is the Brocken?

June 16 - Firstly I didn't do anything this week. I only read, didn't cycle. To be short I'm in a crisis. I'm ready to leave to the Brocken, but I'm scared. It was to much for me. I couldn't cope with it (It sounds familiar). Anything could go wrong. I wasn't as well prepared as in other years. It's only 500 kilometer in Germany but the way to it looks more and more like an ocean to cross and the mountain seems more and more like an Everest to climb.

Gamble

After Chronic City I'm reading Fyodor Dostoyevsky's The
gambler. A book written about 143 years ago. I enjoy it right from page 1.

I don't know what this book will tell me. I'm sure however it has some learning points.
For example playing your own game in life or the game on account of others. Guess that gambling in the 1840's might be the same as being on the stock market in these days.
If you know how the game is played you might be better off playing it on own account. That's a guess I make. There might be something changing plans. And of course a plan is a plan.

My plan was to be off work this week but I went to work yesterday. Only a short holiday of 2 weeks. My plan was to go and return to the Harz in Germany on my bicycle (goal: climb the 1100 meter high mountain Brocken).

Relaxed

Today I was in the grocery store. It was a kind of busy, an hour before closing time.
But I felt so relaxed.
When I've collected all I needed and waited at the pay desk I had a bird view of everything happening around me. So there were 2 pay desks opened with a queue. I joined the queue and another desk opened. I waited and didn't bother what the rest of the queue was doing. On my desk an old lady paid her bill and a family had their weekend groceries. A woman in front of me had a lot of stuff in her basket. She chose the new opened desk and other people did too. I didn't because I watched the people in front of me. Knowing that the row isn't really faster because of a heavy load of groceries. It felt good watching the load getting smaller.

Maybe because of the cycling tour I had the feeling.
At 10:30 AM I departed for a 101 kilometer tour. I came back almost 5 hours later. At 16:00 PM I entered the store. In a relaxed state of mind.

Does this mean that I should cycle 100 k to have this experience? I'll talk about that some place else.

life

I've seen no mountains. I've seen no abroad. I've seen beautiful places and cycled great roads. I've been in places like Paris in Texas. I've seen our old house for sale where my family and I lived in for 5 years.

The miss sunshine and the dry wind made it a monster tour. 386 kilometers in 2 days that's all. There were to many cobble stones and I counted them all. I tell ya that make minds aching. That's not what a vacation is supposed to be of course.
I break off this holiday if I can in order to use the days left for benefit of my well being ;)
August 5 I have a first consultation so u know where my time is spent. Before I'll make some kilometers on my bicycle.

For me this house was safety for a time. Nevertheless the gods were not always good gods.

life is a house, from time to time you got to open its doors and windows

Chronic city

This I can't cope with, all those lights on the cover. It attracts like a 50,000 $ chaldron.


Lately I said to be reading a book which finally catched me.
Well Chronic city of Jonathan Lethem really does. I had an emotional moment reading the letter of Chase's fiance. And I'm only half way.
Astronauts, cosmosnauts and a Chinese minefield, it's beyond believe.

To me the book opens what is closed. I see connections with my own life.
I see Perkus Tooth and Chase Insteadman as parts of myself and of course the flat characters in the book of the environment I am in. Oona makes some sharp remarks.

Reading the blog of Sarah and her friends I have a view on the city as a chronic one.
I know that most movies in the book are not existing but mixed with the names of Marlon Brando and Leonard Cohen it gives the book creditability. All the non-existing is a vehicle and a message to the world to think and act.

The world needs great thinkers, philosophers, not mediagenic analysts explaining problems to a large public. People without the knowledge to whom we surrender nowadays. We have the Bread and circuses like the Olympic Games, the Tour de France, World Football Championship (we lost the final against Spain) and so on nowadays to fool ourselves everything is going smoothly. In fact, we have a problem Houston.

In Chronic city it is said that a lion is escaped. It destroyed a synagogue and stores in the lower east side of Manhattan. (Amsterdam-New York, Manhattan 400 years)
The lion is hidden under the ground and comes out at night. (mean streets, Alicia?)
The book accuses Civil Service, the Goverment. It accuses the rich and famous and the beauty and the beast so to say.

I read that Naijma stated that she is trying to get a visa for Germany to study (message of July 10 2010). She paved the path for her sister Hadia. Isn't it great?

Deep thought

Years ago when I studied I said in a discussion among fellow students that there is no god. We are the gods.
To be short, finding the love of somebody is finding the real god.

Maybe one has learn to know the gods they're with. It takes time. It's an exchange of thoughts and values.
The value is like a generalised principle of behaviour to which the members of a group feel a strong commitment and which provides a standard for judging specific acts and goals.

For some people finding god is a life time work. Other people easily jump from one to the other. Their god is exchangeable. They just divorce.
But if you know someone more and more, everyone can be god
However it's hard to find the real one.
I already had my own god, my protector and guardian angel. I thought I knew.
As my god died a long time ago I lost confidence.

Most of the time god is a man of peace but sometimes Satan comes as a man of peace too. (Free after Bob Dylan). They don't exclude each other. It's a paradox.
That's why good and bad are so close.
Meaning that Satan can be god it's understandable that people divorce.

People fall in love with the wrong god maybe because they live on the edge. The thin line between good and bad might get even thinnner.
For two gods on top of the pyramid might be not enough space. Lack of possibilities for self actualization might cause interferences between them. This interference gives problems in their love. One will end as the bad god.

The top of Maslow hierarchy of needs, self actualization, is not easy to reach that. It's finding a balance between your inner self and the environment.

It's a funny act when god asks how to love him if you don't know him.
True, I don't know god.
Also true, I like to know this god.
Yes, I can say I believe.
And yes, god knows me a little bit because I'm sure he reads my blog.

vacation and the man who knew too much

At 13.45 I quit work. Doomed and depressed because of 1 ride to work. I encountered some problems and finally I was almost at work (I hate that building at the moment) when I annoyed someone. I parked my bike near the side entrance when that person saw me apparently.

I walked inside together with a colleague also going in. The person missed the open door. I didn't open it for him. But he showed his pass and opened the door. Then he started being very hostile. He asked if I was a temporary worker and who my boss was. The man and the woman with whom I went in seemed to know each other. In the elevator I told that the 3rd was my department and the team leader wasn't available. So we went to my office and than he started telling with an agitated voice his story to all the colleagues who were in at 8.30 am. I felt no bottom beneath my feet. But that man went to far when he told what he saw from a far distance earlier. He drew his conclusions. And I did too which I told him. What the heck. Some colleagues were disturbed by the action of that man. If this man wants to go to the director than it's fine with me. He simply forgets a few levels and the director will not understand what his problem has to do with her.

What a weak man who wants to go high up in the organization to solve something which happened on the streets.

But my concentration had gone. I asked a colleague if he knew what department the person works. Yes he did. It's not a very social department. The-department-of-no- more-benefits I guess.
When I wanted to leave I talked with another colleague. She told me not to let it ruin my vacation. It's a minor incident, just to be forgotten.

This week the name of one Screbrenica veteran I know was on the news. He was with Dutchbat in Srebrenica in 1995. 8,000 men were murdered there. It is said that he will be personally prosecuted because he knew things. I was puzzled and sent a short text message to his cell phone. He didn't know anything more than I did. Back in Holland he will be informed.

At the hair cutter's the barber told that with this weather (every day hot temps) people are easily agitated. I agreed haven't told the story.
I must say that I've never been at the hair cutter with temp above 34 degrees, but I never felt so comfortable. No agitation at all, just relaxation and a smile on my face. People should know.

Spain

The opponent in the final on Sunday July 11 will be Spain.
I like that because it plays the game delightfully almost gloriously.
Holland has to play 2 times better than they did to win that final. Luckily it's only one match and the players can play an extraordinary balanced game with their energized bracelets.

This afternoon I screwed the derailleur of my racing bike. I was lucky enough not to fall. A photo

I went home and took another bike to make a trip to Soest and Lage Vuursche. In the woods I had some real brainwaves when I sang the versions of songs I know.
At 10 pm I was home. I'm ready for a vacation till the end of the month.

I feel good, I hope you feel tohoo.

Thinking of Spain, I think of Puigcerdà. It was the first town in Spain I visited. Spain was the first country I entered walking.
And Puigerdà makes me think of Llivia, a Spanish enclave in France. And that brings me to a small museum in Llivia with all kinds of butterflies. I think Boudewijn Büch has never been there only because it's not on an island in the sea.

Anyway he would have loved it. Not only the museum but also being far away from the real world. The monastery on top of the hill looking over Llivia lying downhill up in the Pyrenees will make your mind free, gives you new incentives in finding yourself.

The butterfly effect makes me happy. I didn't bother having no dinner tonight. Only two 2 days old sandwiches. The sour stomach are the butterflies..

Maslow pyramid and all about the lady

Watching the semi final yesterday I switched to another program in the break.

Some people talked about the Maslow hierarchy of needs (Maslow pyramid). It seemed to be a program for people in their thirties, the begin of the X-generation.

They have everything but don't feel themselves happy. Something is missing. They are in the top of the pyramid.
It can be dangerous there. Know that it's lonely at the top. And if your young it can be very lonely. Not because you don't have friends, that need is satisfied in one of the lower parts of the pyramid.
People are in search of themselves, the authenticity of their life. Is it worth to live it like they do.

A colleague of me said she has problems with self-actualization, that it's difficult to live on that edge.
Living on the top is like living on the edge of something you can fall off I understand.

She thinks of quiting her job and start all over again. Starting from ground zero, to reinvent herself.
My opinion, to be specific, take a year to travel around the world, buy a world ticket and see all you wanna see. Problem is that according to the Maslow theory you face the same problem after that year unless you use the new experiences.

I think that's not the only way. If you visualize a pyramid and on top of it you mirror the pyramid then you get at the top a wider range of opportunities.
What those opportunities are depends on yourself because you decide what direction you go. Take it or leave it.

It's like the Council I'm in at the moment. It widens my view, I learn something and enjoy the view on the rooftop. ;) Sometimes I can't stand heights.

It's like the universe. Go through a black hole and a different reality appears on the other side. With complete new possibilities.

Worldchampionship

We kicked Brazil (2-1) and Uruguay (2-3). Stay focused... one step each.. after the semifinal....yes... the final of all Finals...after 1974 and 1978 Germany as our Nerven Gegner, better than Spain... Have sweet dreams Germany! Nederland has title aspirations.

Jetzt geht's los

If you don't know this is all about football

cycling

After 8 days I cycled again. My bruised rib heeled like my doctor said. Suddenly this morning I felt better than earlier this morning. So I took my bicycle to ride a 53 k.
However, it doesn't feel like 10 days ago. That's a pity.

Fortunately the book I read catched me finally and I take some time to read Chronic city written by Jonathan Lethem.

summer

July 1 2010, 3 Weeks after the elections. Politically nothing has changed. A VVD-deputy informed the parties and came to the conclusion that the party that lost significantly blocked a right wing coalition which would be a monstrous coalition.
I saw when I woke up on June 10, the day after the elections,that hopefully a cabinet of 4 parties without CDA would emerge. Purple plus as we call it.
Problem is that VVD doesn't like the idea to rule the country with the left wing. It's to left for their voters.
I think that left has to make concessions to get our proud Nation through the crisis. VVD can make demands in some way or another.

Last Thursday I got the results of a neuro-psygologic test I had at the end of May. The crow-incident was mentioned between the lines. The result is understandable. But the motivation of the result is unclear for me.
It will be send to my family doctor because he didn´t know anything about it when I asked about it when I saw him because of my bruised rib

4 Days ago I spoke E. and told her about the conclusions of the test. Well, she said, you ruin your own chances and only you are responsible for that. Only you.
It´s the logic of the social academic professionals, the soft economy of social workers, psychologist, etcetera.
It´s the same what Fennie says. It´s true that one has to work on himself after being confronted with himself.
Of course I should have done it 20 years ago. I did and in some way it helped. Now I have to take the next step.

Okay, it was a really confidential conversation. I bent over to her and she laughed seeing my shoes. (Zebra shoes she said once) I took her into confidence and she let it happen me telling some fresh conclusions of the test.
Among other things I told her that under stress I can lose control ending in the experience of derealization and concentration problems.
I told E. I was being under pressure by her -if you tell part of it you better tell it all-. That's why I said what I said.....

But isn't it so that I provoked her question (who?) why we should go to vote together by answering that I am in love. On who, she asked. On you, I hesitated. I don´t, she said.

But 3 days ago we had a good conversation and I could sit on the seat of her colleague right in front of her.

summer

4 Days ago now I cycled on my race-bike when I couldn't avoid another cyclist who turned left when I passed him.
His handlebar hit my chest and now I have a bruised rib.
It will need 14 days to heel. That means that I can go on Holiday.
I´ll write about it.

Now we have the World champs Football. Holland has reached the quarter final. I think that will be the last game Holland plays in South Africa. Brazil, most likely their opponent, will be stronger. Everyone looks out to that match. Everyone has the fever.
Nobody will work!!! Friday is The Match.

Have a good summer.

elections

The elections were on a Wednesday last week.. The previous post was on the Monday before I think.

Conservative right lost half of their seats. I expected a big loss, so this is their reward for 8 years of bad government. The sad thing is that the ultra conservative wing almost tripled their seats from 9 to 24.
The party I chose didn't loose as much as expected and is a certain winner.

Now politicians have to work to come to a quick solution and put together a brave new cabinet which makes the necessary decisions to get out of the mess we're in.
Hopefully there will be a purple wind. Purple because of the parties, progressive right joining progressive left, green and liberal left.

Wednesday I spoke a few words with E. as I call her, no she didn't go with me to vote. After that I didn't see her for a week. Two days ago I was at my old department and spoke E. again about the election. She laughed.

About the change in department, it's now a month that I'm working on the other side. It almost feels like the other side. The opposite party. Yesterday I had a quarrel, a dispute with a colleague of my old department. It's one of the bottlenecks of the new work routine I should report.

Slowly everything breaks apart. On sensible moments I can spend a tear about that feeling. Hear me, I don't complain, I have more possibilities than ever. And with the Works Counsil I have plenty to do.

I wonder how the elections in California were, but in Holland we were almost screwed with a monstrous Cabinet. I keep my breath the next weeks.

These roller coaster ride makes me to grab my bike and cycle. the last 10 days I cycled more than 500 k after work.

So if you're busy try to relax sometime, sport, go for a walk,